Saying Goodbye

Dear Followers,

So I know it's been a long time since I've been able to keep up with this blog So...that  is why I'm going to stop writing it until further notice. It's just that I seem to have conquered the quitting. I really haven't had a craving in months, and while the smell of cigarette smoke still smells good to me, I no longer have strong cravings or any desire to smoke. Interestingly enough, I just got out of my Pulmonary Exam today where I ruined a pair of pants by sitting on a Slurpee, and found out that my breathing test results were inconclusive as to wether or not I have asthma, however another rescue inhaler was prescribed, and yet another exam was scheduled. Amazing. You'd think after 3 doctors appointments, 3 ER visits and 1 pulmonary specialist visit, I'd be able to find out if I friggin' have asthma! But no... I understand this is how they make their money but it's just KILLING ME. Tell me already! Tell me tell me tell me! I've had 3 breathing exams and they can't tell me a thing yet?? What is wrong with this picture? Anyway,... aside from bitching about the medical treatment I've received, I'd also like to thank you all for following me on this journey of quitting. I understand it's a lifelong thing...and I'll never be able to have another cigarette ever again... but it's been very important to me to feel like i have support in my life, and it really means the world to me that you all cared enough to read this. So, thanks for reading, and all your warm wishes and words of support. It's really been great.

Sincerely,

Me

Conventional Wisdom

Last week, I was sitting in a meeting where my colleagues were discussing a case study regarding a smoking cessation campaign. Normally I would jump right in,... share my experience, brag about my blog and all 16 of my fabulous followers, but this time I sat their quietly, listening to them talk about surveys and statistics. 

"Did you know that when people quit they often times feel very alone?" Was one comment, followed by, "Not only that but ex smokers feel isolated because those that never smoked don't understand how difficult it is to quit and are not sympathetic, and those that do smoke are angry at the smokers trying to quit because they feel like the quitters think they are better than them." The discussion continued and another colleague piped up, "Yes and when a smoker trying to quit relapses, the smokers are all relieved and the non smokers make them feel like failures." 

I said nothing. What is there to say. A room full of people trying to quit and 100 questions later, this is the raw data. I can't say I'm a spokesperson for people trying to quit. I'm not, and I also think I am probably the exception to the rule. I look back at my earlier posts and yes, the first couple months were brutal, but I haven't had a craving worth talking about since.

What I will say is this. That despite what I consider a pretty easy transition (so far), I still can completely understand the data. I think there is this awful stigma that smokers trying to quit will undoubtably have to deal with. There are those who think, "Well you're an asshole for starting in the first place, did you think it'd be a cake walk when you tried to quit" and there are those that think that once you quit, you're going to join the "I hate smokers" club and well, I've always been one to defy convention. I suppose this is just another instance where I rose to the occasion.

Feeling Better...

Today has been one of those rare days where I was actually able to sit back and relax. I slept in, I took a leisurely walk, met up with a friend for coffee, and now I'm back at my place getting ready for a night out with some girlfriends. I made myself 2 quesadillas and didn't burn down my apartment. I am starting to actually feel a bit better. Less coughing. More sleeping. I was even told the other day by my boss,"you're getting your glow back" which I find funny because it's like the nicest way of saying, "hey you don't look like shit!" Hahahaha. Anyway, hope you all have a fantastic Saturday. Will write more tomorrow.

Two Thousand Hits!

Okay so I checked the blog today and despite being a very finnicky poster, I have some how managed to land 1,999 hits! It's amazing! It makes me feel like someone actually thinks I can write! Hah. No seriously, I am still going strong on the quitting smoking front, and by the end of the month it will be...what...5 months? Crazy. And guess what? I'm even starting to physically feel better. I mean I'm still coughing but...it's not as bad as before...and I'm even getting some semblance of sleep,...even if it's not enough, it's better than the zero hours I was getting before.

Now I want to say something to the 2,000th reader (well...okay to everyone). Thank you for standing by me. It means a lot, and I appreciate you all. I really really do. Every mile stone I feel like I have to milk it because, I don't want to diminish the accomplishment of quitting, but I'm glad to know that even though to me it seems like it's gotten...dare I say "easy".... you still read this thing.

I will admit that there have been an increasing amount of days where I forgot how hard it was to quit. And it was hard. I just think back to the commuting posts I wrote when I started this thing... Crazy. But those of you that have been through this were right...it does get easier. And while I'm still sick, I am still willing to give the American Lung Association, the Surgeon General, my parents, friends and family the benefit of the doubt that eventually I will reap the health benefits of being smoke free.

Anyway, thanks again for sticking with me. Your love, support and good wishes really have been the cherry on top.

Keep the Change

The thing that no one tells you about change is that despite what you thought, you can never predict the outcome of it. Take quitting smoking for example. I quit, and for the 1.2 months I spent angry, annoyed, a little...on edge...now, I don't even miss it. I keep being told that I will. I keep being told there will be a moment when all I want to do is smoke. I have also been told that I'll feel so much better. I'll feel healthier. I've yet to have a serious craving in 4 months, and I have never been sicker in my life. What I will tell you about quitting smoking is this.

I don't think it was ever about me quitting smoking. I think it was about figuring out, what I wanted. I didn't have some big plan to quit. I didn't strategically place toothpicks in my car, or gum in my purse. I bought nicotine lozenges that I never used. I just...quit, and much to everyone's surprise...that was the easiest part.

Back to Breathing

This morning I woke up at 4:45 am. I didn't cough up a storm. I could see out of both eyes. I could breathe. For the first time in a month, I felt normal. I felt like myself. I lay in bed thinking about the previous night when my Dad had dropped me off at my apartment and helped me carry in a box filled with pots and pans. When he walked in my apartment his response was, "Jesus Christ Lindsay..." but he stopped there letting my own shame take over.... I, on the other hand, had guilt. Major daughter guilt. Like, how could I let him see my place this messy! It was bad. In my own defense...yes, I had clothes on the floor and needed to take out the trash last week, but I have been very sick and very busy and well...haven't spent a whole lot of time in my apartment so...yes. It was a mess.

So this morning, I got out of bed, completely cleaned and antibacterialized (it's a word now okay? I do this....making up words thing...) my entire apartment. I even vacuumed. Then I showered, blowdried my hair, got ready for work, and headed out the door. I even went to a different Starbucks and I didn't listen to music at all (okay yes I left my earbuds at work but still...I'm progresso-ing). 

And to be Frank about it... I can't wait to come home, make myself dinner and just have some down time just me, myself and I.

Out With the Old

Have you ever held onto something because you're used to it? It's a rhetorical question because we all have. Case in point...smoking. I was used to it, but you know what....I got over it. Smoking is old news now. You know what else is old news? Tact...but I digress...

My new not-so-new motto,... "OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE NEW" And I am talking about everything. Hell, I've already done it with most of my life this year... I moved, I broke up, I got a new job...so you're probably wondering...oh God...what next? So here are a few others I'm adding to the list:

Out/OLD:

• rules
• assholes
• forsaking health for convenience and politeness
• giving people the benefit of the doubt
• being nice

In/NEW

• relaxing
• putting in the same as what I get out
• improving my defenses
• not believing everything I hear

I also resolve to clean out my contacts, delete bullshit emails that take up half my damn inbox, and throw out things I don't use, need or want anymore. I give myself permission to stop being nice and to start looking out for number 1. (Maybe then I can reduce medical costs)

PS: The next available doctors appointment I could get is a month from yesterday which means that at the rate I'm going, I will go through approximately 216 cough drops, and 1.75 bottles of Robitussin DM. No I'm not joking.