If You Get Through This One I'll Be Amazed!

So in light of the fact that I now have 15 followers, and 1515 hits on this thing... I have decided to honor my "followers" and this commitment to quitting smoking by listing the 15 most important things I've learned so far by way of quitting smoking. And I wanted to share them with you since this blog is about quitting and I have admittedly gotten a little off topic as of the last few weeks. So here goes:

15 Things I've Learned By Way of Quitting Smoking

1. I am stronger than I thought.  Habits are hard to break. Especially ones you derive so much pleasure from, but if even for a second, you felt like you needed to break a habit, then there is probably good reason for that. I had always had it in my mind that it was a choice. It wasn't a habit and it wasn't an addiction. It was a lifestyle, and it was something I enjoyed. Well... when I really listened to myself,... even when I would try to convince myself having one would be okay,... somehow I was able to stick with it, and I can be pretty damn convincing, so... I am definitely stronger than I gave myself credit for... because I have always (as with most people I'm sure) been my own worst enemy.

2. I can face things head on. Quitting has forced me to actually deal with difficult situations as opposed to run from them. When I would get upset, or frustrated, or angry, I would go blow off steam by smoking. I would use it as an out. I could literally run. I could say, "Well F*ck that. I'm going for a smoke and you can't stop me" and sure... I did that a lot. It wouldn't make me think... it wouldn't do anything but allow myself †o stew in my own pissed offness. It perpetuated a "F That" attitude. And in quitting, I no longer feel the need to run. I can sit and evaluate and figure things out.

3. I can rely on myself to get me through. I think #2 is a good segway to this point. I have learned how to rely on myself to work through things. I call my friends for advice a lot less, I vent out loud a lot less (although this blog has definitely had a huge part in that), and I have been able to talk myself through things which has in turn forced me to think for myself, instead of evaluate a handful of other people's opinions. And this one thing... this one ability to fend for myself, has perhaps made me feel more empowered than I have ever felt.

4. I am pretty good company. If you've ever smoked, (or owned a Blackberry), then you know that feeling, when you're alone, and you suddenly feel dumb just being....alone...so you either pull out a cigarette, or pull out your phone, and suddenly you feel less lonely.... well,...now that I don't smoke, and I really am not one to text,... I find myself a lot more comfortable just being. Like when I walk home. I can sort of just... walk and not be bothered that I don't have anything in my hand. Its a little weird still but... it's freeing as well and I don't feel lonely. I feel.... like I am more aware of everything around me. Including myself.

5. I can talk to people. I never really thought of myself as an extrovert. I have always hated going to parties where I don't know anyone and the thought of being at a restaurant by myself or anything like that,... has always in the past made me feel like an asshole. But now that I don't smoke, and I don't run outside at the first feeling of uncomfortableness, it has forced me to be a lot more outgoing. I also can't start a conversation with, "Gotta light?" Because let's be honest... that's too damn easy. Now I actually have to think of clever ins. Like, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" (KIDDING,... GEEZ I quit smoking not quit being sarcastic)

6. I have a really good/positive attitude. I'm not sure how this happened. I mean... I've always had a whole lot of attitude but now it's primarily good.... I swear I really don't know how this happened but I blame quitting on this one because there is no other possible way to explain this. I still get pissy and I still get upset but I do the whole lemons to lemonade thing a lot faster and a lot more frequently now.

7. I can inspire people. I have always been one to sort of chalk up my ability to inspire others by blaming my talent, as opposed to recognizing I may actually have something to offer others. Well, I can't tell you how many people have said that my blog inspired them, or that my quitting inspired them...and I am really starting to believe that I did and it's kind of awesome to think I may have inspired even one person.

8. I can be disciplined. Quitting smoking takes discipline. It's like any other "bad habit." or good habit for that matter. I never thought of myself as disciplined but I think the trick is that when I broke the habit of smoking... I replaced it with other more positive habits, and pretty soon, I fell out of the routine of smoking and into the routine of doing other things (like writing this blog).

9. I value time. The proverbial "they" say....Time is a precious thing to waste....If I think about how much time I spent smoking it's incredible. I timed myself once. If I was stressed I could smoke a cigarette in 7 minutes flat. If not...anywhere between 10 and 15 minutes. And then there's how much time I spent trying to hide it, and trying to figure out how I would be able to get cigarettes and if stores would be open or if restaurants would have smoking areas or if I would be in a group of smokers or non smokers...ridiculous. Now I have so much going on I can't even believe I found the time to do and think about all of that!

10. I do actually care about my life. I guess it's a simple thing... It's a simple concept to think about. I care about my life. The quality of it. The degree of care I put into the things that matter to me most. I think it's very easy to feel invincible and smoking is a rebutel to kinda giving a shit. But I do care/give a shit... and it's not about what others think, but it's more about what I think about my own life that's the important thing. 

11. I need support. As independent as I want to be, and feel sometimes... I fully recognize how important it is to get and surround myself with support. I have been shocked with how many people have sent me words of encouragement or positive thoughts as well as how many people have opened up to me about their own lives and struggles with smoking. It has helped me tremendously and I feel very privileged to have the level of support I've been given and as much as I'd like to credit myself with quitting, I have all of you to thank as well. I think it's made the experience of quitting a lot easier. Actually, I know it has.

12. Positivity is contagious. I know I talked about having a positive attitude earlier but this is bigger than that I think. Since I quit, I've been a lot happier and in being happier have met a lot of really positive people, and when you're around that... I think it's contagious. It's attractive and it has sort of brightened up my world.

13. There will always be something. So not to undermine the achievement of actually not smoking for 2.5 months, but there will always be something I need to work on. I love that I've been able to quit smoking cold turkey (and yes this will be a never ending thing I suppose) I just don't want to rest on my laurels. I actually think the challenge of this whole process has kept me feeling.... alive.

14. Listening to myself is a good thing. The day I decided to quit smoking I had a conversation with myself that went something like this:

Me: You should quit.

Me No shit.

Me: No seriously. Stop thinking about it and just do it. All you do is talk talk talk.

Me Fine.

Me Seriously.

Me I said find.

Me Are you seriously going to quit?

Me Yes. 

Me Fuck off. I don't believe you.

Me Don't care if you do or not.

And that day I picked a day to quit and then just... quit. So I think when I just shut up and actually listen to myself... I don't do so bad you know? Actually I should probably do that more often... 

15. It's the journey. I know. Totally corny, totally cliche and guess what... totally true. I'll always be "quitting" but if in 2.5 months I've never felt this good...it isn't because I just...quit smoking one day. The first two weeks were f-ing hell. It's that in the past 2.5 months, I feel like a different person and my life has changed and my decision to quit was a part of it,... and every day will be different and trust me I know I sound like a spokesperson for AA or something but I appreciate this entire experience. So... put that in your pipe.

I hope you don't want to vomit now that you've read this but... just so you know, this took a long ass time for me to write this because I think if you're going to tell people what you learned, you ought to do your best to a. be honest and b. not make  yourself look  like a total asshole :)

L.

PS: Look for me tomorrow when I announce on this thing wether or not I got into the NYC marathon!

Case of the Mondays

It's Monday and I've been up since 3:30. I woke up to an infomercial for some contraption that supposedly makes you lose 30 pounds in 10 days. It was really disturbing because it involved some guy who looked like he was seconds away from roid rage, and he was straddling something that looked like a pogo stick. I quickly flipped to music videos and happened upon "F***ing Perfect" by Pink, which I actually really like which is probably not too shocking... Three and a half hours later, I left for work. Don't even ask me what I was doing because I have no idea... all I know is I'm at work and it definitely feels like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed....

Oh the Build Up

So last night I was sitting in bed, minding my own business, when my phone pinged. It was an email from the New York City Road Runners Club, alerting me to the fact that next week, (actually, Wednesday at Noon to be exact), they will be announcing who got into the New York City Marathon (of which I applied to last year). In case you didn't know, the NYC Marathon is a lottery. They have so many applications every year that you can't just sign up and get in...you have to go through this unless you're aiming for the Olympics, or you've been denied three times and then you automatically get in...

For those of you that know me, I have only ever run half marathons. (Marine Corps 2010, and Baltimore Half) I've never even run a 5K... but if I get in, this will be the first race, and the first training program I'm on, where I didn't have cigarettes. This is a very big deal. I know you're thinking....what on earth is she talking about? Isn't that a good thing? And yes, of course it is...but you have to understand that training is very much about the habit of running for me. Do I love to run...yes. BUT only when training. Otherwise I feel like I'm not working towards anything.

Smoking was as much a part of my training as the actual running. On the rare occasion I'd get up for early morning runs, I would hop in my car, stash 3 cigarettes in my running gear and head out to the track. On the way there I would smoke one, and then smoke the second once I had parked the car, and then I'd save the third for after I had finished my milage. On evening runs, especially when I hit the trail, I'd just keep the pack in my car, and on the drive in and on the drive out, I would chain smoke the entire time. It was as if I believed I couldn't run without smoking first... it would...in a sense...boost my confidence. Looking back it was so f-ing stupid I can't get over it but that was what I did. And when I did stop smoking for three months, I felt like I was dying on my runs. I kept coughing and I felt like I couldn't breathe... it was really very difficult. So this time around, it will be interesting to see how my body reacts to not having the nicotine... and not having the actual physical cigarettes to rely on to get me through the training.

My dad always used to tell me, "Lindsay... the hardest part is starting." And he was right. Smoking allowed me to procrastinate. I found myself saying, "I will start this run as soon as I'm done with this cigarette." And now I will not have that. I will only have me. So far it hasn't been so bad, but.... then again, I haven't had a 26.2 mile race either :)

If I don't get in, and that's always a huge possibility,... I will look for another race. Another half. I think my first full marathon needs to be in New York.... but I'm glad I applied because the whole thing has me excited about running again. (It's way too easy to forget about it)

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed I get in, and I'll let you know as soon as I do whether its NYC or someplace else :)

PS: TGIF!

AHHHHHHHHNunciate

So this morning I went to a different Starbucks. I switched up because the last time I went to the one across the street from my job (which is my usual place), the lady at the register said, "Oh. You again. You must have nothing to do all day." I replied, "Actually I have plenty to do, I just need coffee to do it." I happened to be with co-workers who were just appalled at this, and I didn't even realize how rude her comment was until about 5 minutes after it happened but the more I thought about it, the more ticked off I became, and so this morning I decided to boycott, and so I went to a different Starbucks. I hate doing this by the way because I enjoy the perks of being a regular. I like the fact that the woman actually making my coffee at my regular place, doesn't have to ask me what I want, it's already ready by the time I get up to the register which means I never have to actually wait. But this morning, I had to wait (and we all know how much I love waiting). I also had to repeat myself several times, and I just don't get how I ask for a large iced coffee and the person ahead of me asks for some insane complicated order that involves twenty more steps, and the guy understands her perfectly even though she's Spanish and he's African! I mean... really? So I have to go through, "Wait what did you say?" over and over again. So I had to speak really slowly and annunciate which to me, makes me not only sound like I'm one of those bitchy customers, but I'm sure everyone in line was just thinking, "Wow just because he's African doesn't mean he's retarded!" And that is SO NOT what was going on. I don't know how I get in these situations but somehow... I do.

Anyway, same thing happens again, an hour later when some coworkers asked if I wanted to go grab breakfast. I brought lunch and forgot to eat breakfast, so I went, and of course the exact same thing happens.

Me: Can I get the American Scramble?
Cashier: Do you want the American? Or the Southwestern? Or the Pepper Scramble?
Me: American.
Cashier: So scrambled?
Me: Yes.
Cashier: American though right?
Me: Yes
Cashier: Potatoes?
Me: No. Scrambled Eggs. American. Nothing else. To go.
Cashier: Okay to stay or to go?

I sh*t you not. I don't know if it's me or what it is....but I feel like I must not annunciate or I don't say things in the right order or something. I must not speak clearly and I don't understand what I can be doing differently so that A. I don't sound like I'm patronizing them, and B. So that I don't have to repeat myself a bazillion times. If you have any suggestions please let me know.  In the mean time, I'm sticking to Kashi breakfast bars from Safeway. (The strawberry ones are amazing)

Breakfast, Coffee, Energy, Speed

It's remarkable how the day to day has changed for me in a relatively short amount of time. I wake up, I brush my teeth, I put my hair up in a bun, I make my bed, I hop in shower, I blow dry hair, I put on my makeup, I pick out my clothes to wear for the day, I pour myself a cranberry juice and turn on the Today show and then mute it when Al Roker comes on. I check for my phone, my keys, my money and my wallet. I turn off the TV. I walk to Starbucks and eventually end up at work. It's all...become a morning routine, and it's about the only routine thing that occurs for me throughout the day.

The rest of the day is unpredictable, and exciting, and new. It's a balancing act and I'm still trying to figure it out. For the first time in awhile, I'm really being challenged at the one thing I know I'm good at and I neither feel threatened or hurt because suddenly I'm not at the top of my class. I feel good knowing that someone else knows I can do better, or think differently, or do more. I feel good knowing I'm not the only one loving my job. I am inspired. Part of this is the getting the new job. Part of this is the quitting smoking. Part of this is just me finding myself.

Please note: I forced myself to have breakfast this morning so I'm hoping it helps my brain functionality and acts as a preventative measure from crashing around 2 pm which has been happening this week. I also think that having breakfast this morning has done two things. It's increased my energy level for the immediate future, and it has caused me to sort of get back on track in terms of balancing the various responsibilities I have. If I'm not making sense, please also note that I have also finished my iced coffee, and have an intense amount of energy right now. So I'm going to go and channel that into some brilliant ad concepts now. Have a great Wednesday.

Al Roker Sucks

I had a nurse in highschool who used to say "Just gargle with salt water." It was her answer to everything. Broken leg? Gargle with salt water. Fever? Gargle with salt water. Hives? Gargle with salt water. I suppose until then I had really only smoked. I hadn't even had seasonal allergies until much later on in my twenties when they got really bad. So bad that last year I had developed a mild case of asthma, and while I waited for the pharmacy to fill my inhaler prescription, I was smoking a Marlboro Light right outside. At the time I thought, "Well shit.... at least this is calming me down, and it may even be opening up some kind of air way..." I know.... the shit I came up with...

This morning, I wasn't having an asthma attack. I was having an allergy attack so I stopped in at CVS for a little Loratadine fix. I am finally starting to feel like I can breathe. Salt water my foot. Speaking of foot,... can I just tell you that I also bought some insoles for my shoes which apparently I can't seem to live without because either my feet are shrinking or my shoes are getting bigger and walking to work in shoes that feel too big... especially when they are heels...no fun. I know my mother is thinking "Well I told her to wear flats" but... it's not the same and I'm sorry but I'm going through a bit of an age complex since everyone around me seems to think I'm 12 years old. The heels help. Trust me.

In other news, the waterfront flooded today. Amazing actually, for two reasons. 1, you could barely see the tops of the umbrellas at Tony and Joes! And 2, because I actually watched the news this morning! and part of the Today Show (which I am feeling a little like I need to start working into my daily because I seem to be the only one of my peers that doesn't watch the Today show on a regular basis). Truthfully, it's a little hard for me to stomach. For one, I don't buy for a second that Matt Lauer is a nice guy. I think he's probably a royal dick. And second of all... Al Roker? I just can't... anyway, enjoy the rest of your day. I didn't have to drive so I won't have to deal with parking attendants today so my day is already off to an awesome start.

Parking and Voicemail and Reunions

Mondays for me either start off really good, or really bad, and that is usually determined by how fast I am able to get up after my first alarm goes off. If I hit snooze more than 3 times,... then it's all down hill from there. If I get up in 2 or less... well then I'm all good.

Today... I hit snooze 7 times.

By 6:27 am I was racing outside to feed the parking meter. Thank God no one was around because I really looked like a crazy person. It took almost 4 dollars in quarters to give me almost two hours of time... this city I swear... but when I got upstairs... I got a significant amount accomplished.

For one thing, I finally set up my voicemail. It only took 22 takes sitting on the bathroom floor mat so that my voice didn't echo in my nearly empty apartment. Something about hearing your own voice is very... I dunno unsettling. I never sound the way I think I sound. Okay no wait...shit. I just called my home phone and it wasn't me... perfect. So glad I called! Had you read this and then called me,...you would have thought I had a sex change! Why the hell didn't it record? Okay...evening project...check.

Well, now that we know my voicemail message attempt was all in vain, I did pack my lunch, I actually ate breakfast for the first time in months and I changed outfits 6 times. I have this theory,...if you can pull yourself together on a Monday, then you sure as hell ought to be able to get through the rest of the week... and if not...at least you look good and no one's the wiser...

Anyway, hope your Monday feels like Tuesday :) L.

PS: Parking at my office is like going to the DMV. You have to, and it is ALWAYS, WITHOUT FAIL a royal f-ing pain in the ass.

Note to garage attendant: Tell me how to park my car again and I'll tell you something...


PSS: I saw my Dad's old secretary this morning when I was coming out of Starbucks. She hadn't changed a bit. I was a little worried she wouldn't know who I was but...she did...and she didn't even make a "You're all grown up" comment! She just said, "You look so good!" And well,...who doesn't love that :) See...pays to look good on a Monday... compliments always make one feel better....maybe my Monday luck has turned.