Fight or Flight

So,...this morning I woke up with pink eye. I am so... attractive right now you wouldn't be able to handle it. Also, I was told yesterday by someone that I'm a negative person which I think is sort of...not true. I will say, it's really hard to be positive when you feel like shit but I guess some people are better at faking it than others. And you know what? I may be negative sometimes but at least I'm honest.

Speaking of being negative... On a positive note,... I got to see my actual doctor today and not the PA. I also found Red Vines at CVS so I got some on sale along with my family sized pack of cough drops and Robitussin...so I pretty much feel like in some senses I won the lottery (virally and confectionarilly speaking). Also I got a compliment on my outfit today so that's nice... even if I do look like someone stabbed me in the eye... I brought sunglasses :) So how's that for a positive spin on my "situation."

God I know it's been awhile since I wrote on here, but every time I do I remember how much better I feel afterwards... it's very cathartic. At least something is... and at least it isn't smoking anymore.

Up In Smoke

First, hope you all had a fabulous Memorial Day Weekend.

This weekend for me was supposed to be my time to rest, to regroup, and recover. Only I can't sleep, I have the worst headaches at night from the incessant coughing, and well... it's been difficult to handle when all I want to do is feel good... and all I do is feel bad. Really bad. 

I can barely smell anything but I think my next door neighbor smokes cigarettes in his apartment, and it's seeping into my bathroom which just sucks because it makes my cough worse... and even though I'm congested and my allergies are acting up, it's the one thing I can smell...cigarettes. Don't worry, I'm not wishing I had one, or having a craving, or going through some sort of withdraw,... I am however experiencing some serious mental and physical exhaustion that has only continued to accelerate... 

I sound like a broken record I know... and trust me if I could think about anything other than feeling better, I would and I'd write about it... but for right now, I'm struggling... because at the end of the day, you really only have yourself and when your self is sick,... well let's just say sometimes the ramifications can be a lot greater than just compromised health.

Sleeping Beauty

Day 4 of Bronchitis, and I finally have energy to type. Last night was a complete disaster. I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst pain in my throat, only to discover that my bathtub and toilet were overflowing water onto my bathroom floor and it was seeping out into my living area. It took me 2 hours to clean up. I had a throbbing headache the entire time, and well I don't actually own shitty towels, so I used about 12 dollars worth of paper towels to clean it up. I could be a spokesperson for Bounty.

I make an absolutely awful sick person you know... the whole resting, and being quiet, and eating chicken broth while laying still... not me. I'm more of the, "Damn it, it's a gorgeous day, I need to be outside, I can't believe I missed work, and I am sick of broth, and I want Thai food, and how many shitty romance comedies can one watch in a day, and forget the laying down. If I lay down, I get acid reflux, and if I sit up, my head feels like it's going to fall off my neck. And every time I breathe I need to cough, and every time I cough I drool. And I'm like a cranky bitchy baby who wants cake and ice cream...wait a sec... that's a f-ing amazing idea!" (<---told you I'm a really terrible sick person... I'm like the sick person people want to pull the plug on...they're like That bitch is crazy...just let her go... I'm not the one Oprah does a special on and raises a billion dollars for, that's for sure).

Oh and did I fail to mention that I'm like the most gorgeous thing alive right now... seriously. I could be on the cover of Vogue and I swear people would buy it just for shock value. I look like the poltergeist only with better clothes that I am now ruining with sickness.

I thought your'e supposed to get Bronchitis when you're smoking...not after you've quit so successfully! Maybe this is like... my punishment for not quitting sooner... or for I don't know...a million other things I probably shouldn't have done in my life. But hell, who's counting?

Okay I'm off to beg my mom for cake and ice cream ...wait....dammit...we only have cheesecake (and hell I'm not complaining really about that because to have any kind of food that has sugar in it in this house is like a miracle...) SOLD. Cheesecake it is... (still going to beg for popsicles or something...)

I know... I wouldn't want to be my mom either in these instances...she is the best though. My Dad is the best also, as he drove over to get me at 6 am when I called him practically sobbing about toilet water... 

Breathing Equals Cleaning Equals Do NOT Buy Bed Linens at 4 am

So it's been a rather busy month for me so far, and you can probably tell since I haven't written anything in a bazillion years but it is 5:39 am, and I happen to have some time so.... Here's what's happening in my neck of the woods (as my non-favorite weatherman likes to say)...

I woke up at 3 am and thought I was having a panic attack because I couldn't breathe. I actually don't know if it was or wasn't a panic attack, but it was scary and I didn't want to wake anyone so I went on WebMD which is the worst thing to do if you're already panicking... I mean, be prepared to face death as a possible outcome of the 3 symptoms you choose on that site...

At any rate, I figured it must be allergies, so I went on a mad cleaning frenzy where I swept, dusted and mopped my entire apartment... then I took an allergy pill and haven't been able to go back to sleep...

I am wondering if I had a minor asthma attack and well, while it wouldn't be the first time (it would be the second), to me it is still unbelievably ironic. Quit smoking, Gain Asthma! There's a tag line....

Anyway, I'm not going to lie, I was a little freaked out and stressed and usually cleaning when I can't sleep helps me go back to sleep but this time it made me more restless...so I changed all of my sheets, remade my bed, and then proceeded to search for a new allergen free comforter and queen sized italian percale duvet cover. No, I did not "Checkout." (The "You need to have a housewarming so someone else can buy this shit for you because you can't afford it" concept had crossed my mind and I minimized said window).

It is almost 6. I'm going to try to go back to sleep at least for an hour... will keep you posted (and yes I will get back to you in less than a month :)

Morning Joe

I woke up this morning rather late. Okay it wasn't late but it was late enough, and some show called "Good Morning Joe" or something was on, which reminds me of my favorite movie growing up which was "Reality Bites." (Too boring to explain why, just watch the damn movie...it's good).

I wanted to BE Janeane Garofalo in that movie. Actually,... so much so that I really did end up getting a job at the Gap once. (Yes, I only made it two weeks before I quit and in those two weeks worked a total of 8 hours but it was just THAT bad). At the time, I thought if she could make 400 dollars a week, and learn how to fold the perfect sweater...then why the hell wouldn't I want that!?@ I know... my ambition is startling. Well, you can't say I never tried it :)

Anyway, I bring up that movie because well... when I saw Good Morning Joe, I thought about Reality Bites and that made me think about smoking and then I thought, shit what time is it? I have to get to work! So I thought about cigarettes by way of association...and then I thought...holy shit it really has been 3 whole months! Mind you this was around the time I broke down and had one the last time I quit, but I don't know... I feel so much stronger than I ever have, and to be honest, its been a lot easier this go-round. Now everything else in my life... hahahaha... not so much.

Anyway, have a terrific Tuesday. L.

Ashes to Ashes

I woke up this morning at 4 am, I flipped on MSNBC and through the sleep in my eyes made out the crowds in front of the White House... mere blocks from where I live. I had fallen asleep 1 hour before the announcement was made that Osama Bin Laden was killed. For the world, it is a historic day, and for those of us here in the states, it's a time of renewed unity but it's also a time of reflection.

It's been 3 months now since I quit smoking cigarettes... and I will tell you what this day reminds me of... like most people, you've probably thought back to 9/11. Everyone remembers where they were that day. I was in a high rise brick building in Brooklyn waiting for my first college class of the day to begin. I was sitting at a table, wondering if I had time to grab a coffee before class started. Our professor was already 10 minutes late....

It was a gorgeous day and I had already looked out the windows in our room before I took my seat. We had a perfect view of the entire New York City skyline. I was half awake and I can remember my friend sitting by the window, and all of a sudden she said to me, "Get over here...you have to see this! I think a plane just hit a building..." and I said, "I don't want to see that... and how come I always miss the freak accidents... are you sure it wasn't a bird?" And she said, "Lindsay, just look at the smoke. Seriously... this smoke is crazy! A bird couldn't do that...."

So I came over... and I couldn't believe it. I thought... wow... how weird is that!? She was right... the smoke was incredible.. and we both sat at the window, looking at it pouring out of the first tower... waiting for our professor to arrive. "It's like a movie!" We both said in unison. 9 minutes later... I was still staring at the tower, and all of a sudden,... I could see this little thing that looked like a huge bird...coming towards the second tower... and then the second plane hit, and exploded and my immediate thought was....this isn't a f-cking accident at all. Suddenly as if my friend had woken up from a dream,...she grabbed my arm, and said, "My mother's in there! My mother works at the WTC! I have to call her." But like all of us had experienced that day... no calls were going through. Seconds later the professor next door comes in and says, "There's news we may be under a terrorist attack. Please stay here for further information."

Two minutes later, our professor arrived and gave us a 10 minute break to call loved ones. I got my dad who was working downtown at the time in Washington DC... he answered immediately and when he answered he said, "Lindsay, We're being evacuated... I have to go..." and before I could say anything else, his phone cut off... I thought, "What the hell is going on?!" So I called my mother... and she told me her building was being evacuated but she wasn't going to leave... and she didn't know what was going on. When I got back upstairs, My friend was in a panic. She couldn't reach her mother...and so she left (her mother was fine...she got out safely) but the whole thing was terrifying. I wasn't aware at the time the Pentagon had been hit, or of the plane in PA...

When we were finally dismissed, I walked briskly, hands trembling, and I remember lighting up a cigarette in the stairwell before I even got outside. Apparently I wasn't the only one with this idea... there were three of us, and I can remember this girl saying, "We have to be the only damn school in New York City that didn't cancel classes!" Then the guy who was smoking too said, "Yeah no kidding... friend goes to FIT and they definitely got out" To this day, I believe they were right. We were told to put our fears, frustrations, and sadness into our work. I can't tell you how well that went over...

When I got back to my dorm room CNN was on. I grabbed a beer, lit a cigarette and sat on a hard wooden chair and didn't move for 7 hours. It was the first I had heard of the Pentagon and PA and everything...but what I couldn't get out of my head was that I had watched it happen...not on TV.... but in real life... I ran out of cigarettes by 8pm and went for a walk to the bodega for more... you could hear a pin drop that night. The streets were empty and not only that, I could literally smell the smoke from the towers all the way in Brooklyn... by morning, the ashes had crossed the river...along with the papers from the towers... I can remember feeling the ash on my face... tasting it... I can remember seeing all the bits of white paper and not wanting any of it to touch me... That weekend I went home. I had never missed home so badly in all my life.

Anyway, I have probably never chain smoked like that since. I was in such a daze,... all I really remember after that was going to buy cigarettes and then by Thursday I was at Penn Station waiting for my train to take me home... That day that I left for home... was the first day that week I didn't see smoke...