Saying Goodbye

Dear Followers,

So I know it's been a long time since I've been able to keep up with this blog So...that  is why I'm going to stop writing it until further notice. It's just that I seem to have conquered the quitting. I really haven't had a craving in months, and while the smell of cigarette smoke still smells good to me, I no longer have strong cravings or any desire to smoke. Interestingly enough, I just got out of my Pulmonary Exam today where I ruined a pair of pants by sitting on a Slurpee, and found out that my breathing test results were inconclusive as to wether or not I have asthma, however another rescue inhaler was prescribed, and yet another exam was scheduled. Amazing. You'd think after 3 doctors appointments, 3 ER visits and 1 pulmonary specialist visit, I'd be able to find out if I friggin' have asthma! But no... I understand this is how they make their money but it's just KILLING ME. Tell me already! Tell me tell me tell me! I've had 3 breathing exams and they can't tell me a thing yet?? What is wrong with this picture? Anyway,... aside from bitching about the medical treatment I've received, I'd also like to thank you all for following me on this journey of quitting. I understand it's a lifelong thing...and I'll never be able to have another cigarette ever again... but it's been very important to me to feel like i have support in my life, and it really means the world to me that you all cared enough to read this. So, thanks for reading, and all your warm wishes and words of support. It's really been great.

Sincerely,

Me

Conventional Wisdom

Last week, I was sitting in a meeting where my colleagues were discussing a case study regarding a smoking cessation campaign. Normally I would jump right in,... share my experience, brag about my blog and all 16 of my fabulous followers, but this time I sat their quietly, listening to them talk about surveys and statistics. 

"Did you know that when people quit they often times feel very alone?" Was one comment, followed by, "Not only that but ex smokers feel isolated because those that never smoked don't understand how difficult it is to quit and are not sympathetic, and those that do smoke are angry at the smokers trying to quit because they feel like the quitters think they are better than them." The discussion continued and another colleague piped up, "Yes and when a smoker trying to quit relapses, the smokers are all relieved and the non smokers make them feel like failures." 

I said nothing. What is there to say. A room full of people trying to quit and 100 questions later, this is the raw data. I can't say I'm a spokesperson for people trying to quit. I'm not, and I also think I am probably the exception to the rule. I look back at my earlier posts and yes, the first couple months were brutal, but I haven't had a craving worth talking about since.

What I will say is this. That despite what I consider a pretty easy transition (so far), I still can completely understand the data. I think there is this awful stigma that smokers trying to quit will undoubtably have to deal with. There are those who think, "Well you're an asshole for starting in the first place, did you think it'd be a cake walk when you tried to quit" and there are those that think that once you quit, you're going to join the "I hate smokers" club and well, I've always been one to defy convention. I suppose this is just another instance where I rose to the occasion.

Feeling Better...

Today has been one of those rare days where I was actually able to sit back and relax. I slept in, I took a leisurely walk, met up with a friend for coffee, and now I'm back at my place getting ready for a night out with some girlfriends. I made myself 2 quesadillas and didn't burn down my apartment. I am starting to actually feel a bit better. Less coughing. More sleeping. I was even told the other day by my boss,"you're getting your glow back" which I find funny because it's like the nicest way of saying, "hey you don't look like shit!" Hahahaha. Anyway, hope you all have a fantastic Saturday. Will write more tomorrow.

Two Thousand Hits!

Okay so I checked the blog today and despite being a very finnicky poster, I have some how managed to land 1,999 hits! It's amazing! It makes me feel like someone actually thinks I can write! Hah. No seriously, I am still going strong on the quitting smoking front, and by the end of the month it will be...what...5 months? Crazy. And guess what? I'm even starting to physically feel better. I mean I'm still coughing but...it's not as bad as before...and I'm even getting some semblance of sleep,...even if it's not enough, it's better than the zero hours I was getting before.

Now I want to say something to the 2,000th reader (well...okay to everyone). Thank you for standing by me. It means a lot, and I appreciate you all. I really really do. Every mile stone I feel like I have to milk it because, I don't want to diminish the accomplishment of quitting, but I'm glad to know that even though to me it seems like it's gotten...dare I say "easy".... you still read this thing.

I will admit that there have been an increasing amount of days where I forgot how hard it was to quit. And it was hard. I just think back to the commuting posts I wrote when I started this thing... Crazy. But those of you that have been through this were right...it does get easier. And while I'm still sick, I am still willing to give the American Lung Association, the Surgeon General, my parents, friends and family the benefit of the doubt that eventually I will reap the health benefits of being smoke free.

Anyway, thanks again for sticking with me. Your love, support and good wishes really have been the cherry on top.

Keep the Change

The thing that no one tells you about change is that despite what you thought, you can never predict the outcome of it. Take quitting smoking for example. I quit, and for the 1.2 months I spent angry, annoyed, a little...on edge...now, I don't even miss it. I keep being told that I will. I keep being told there will be a moment when all I want to do is smoke. I have also been told that I'll feel so much better. I'll feel healthier. I've yet to have a serious craving in 4 months, and I have never been sicker in my life. What I will tell you about quitting smoking is this.

I don't think it was ever about me quitting smoking. I think it was about figuring out, what I wanted. I didn't have some big plan to quit. I didn't strategically place toothpicks in my car, or gum in my purse. I bought nicotine lozenges that I never used. I just...quit, and much to everyone's surprise...that was the easiest part.

Back to Breathing

This morning I woke up at 4:45 am. I didn't cough up a storm. I could see out of both eyes. I could breathe. For the first time in a month, I felt normal. I felt like myself. I lay in bed thinking about the previous night when my Dad had dropped me off at my apartment and helped me carry in a box filled with pots and pans. When he walked in my apartment his response was, "Jesus Christ Lindsay..." but he stopped there letting my own shame take over.... I, on the other hand, had guilt. Major daughter guilt. Like, how could I let him see my place this messy! It was bad. In my own defense...yes, I had clothes on the floor and needed to take out the trash last week, but I have been very sick and very busy and well...haven't spent a whole lot of time in my apartment so...yes. It was a mess.

So this morning, I got out of bed, completely cleaned and antibacterialized (it's a word now okay? I do this....making up words thing...) my entire apartment. I even vacuumed. Then I showered, blowdried my hair, got ready for work, and headed out the door. I even went to a different Starbucks and I didn't listen to music at all (okay yes I left my earbuds at work but still...I'm progresso-ing). 

And to be Frank about it... I can't wait to come home, make myself dinner and just have some down time just me, myself and I.

Out With the Old

Have you ever held onto something because you're used to it? It's a rhetorical question because we all have. Case in point...smoking. I was used to it, but you know what....I got over it. Smoking is old news now. You know what else is old news? Tact...but I digress...

My new not-so-new motto,... "OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE NEW" And I am talking about everything. Hell, I've already done it with most of my life this year... I moved, I broke up, I got a new job...so you're probably wondering...oh God...what next? So here are a few others I'm adding to the list:

Out/OLD:

• rules
• assholes
• forsaking health for convenience and politeness
• giving people the benefit of the doubt
• being nice

In/NEW

• relaxing
• putting in the same as what I get out
• improving my defenses
• not believing everything I hear

I also resolve to clean out my contacts, delete bullshit emails that take up half my damn inbox, and throw out things I don't use, need or want anymore. I give myself permission to stop being nice and to start looking out for number 1. (Maybe then I can reduce medical costs)

PS: The next available doctors appointment I could get is a month from yesterday which means that at the rate I'm going, I will go through approximately 216 cough drops, and 1.75 bottles of Robitussin DM. No I'm not joking.

Driving Me In Sane

So I have a mini road trip today which I'm really looking forward to because I love driving alone. It gives me time to think, and listen to music and sing loudly and terribly and ultimately it lets me relax which I haven't been able to do lately... so this trip is coming at the perfect time because I need to physically get away. Especially since I don't smoke anymore...

Fight or Flight

So,...this morning I woke up with pink eye. I am so... attractive right now you wouldn't be able to handle it. Also, I was told yesterday by someone that I'm a negative person which I think is sort of...not true. I will say, it's really hard to be positive when you feel like shit but I guess some people are better at faking it than others. And you know what? I may be negative sometimes but at least I'm honest.

Speaking of being negative... On a positive note,... I got to see my actual doctor today and not the PA. I also found Red Vines at CVS so I got some on sale along with my family sized pack of cough drops and Robitussin...so I pretty much feel like in some senses I won the lottery (virally and confectionarilly speaking). Also I got a compliment on my outfit today so that's nice... even if I do look like someone stabbed me in the eye... I brought sunglasses :) So how's that for a positive spin on my "situation."

God I know it's been awhile since I wrote on here, but every time I do I remember how much better I feel afterwards... it's very cathartic. At least something is... and at least it isn't smoking anymore.

Up In Smoke

First, hope you all had a fabulous Memorial Day Weekend.

This weekend for me was supposed to be my time to rest, to regroup, and recover. Only I can't sleep, I have the worst headaches at night from the incessant coughing, and well... it's been difficult to handle when all I want to do is feel good... and all I do is feel bad. Really bad. 

I can barely smell anything but I think my next door neighbor smokes cigarettes in his apartment, and it's seeping into my bathroom which just sucks because it makes my cough worse... and even though I'm congested and my allergies are acting up, it's the one thing I can smell...cigarettes. Don't worry, I'm not wishing I had one, or having a craving, or going through some sort of withdraw,... I am however experiencing some serious mental and physical exhaustion that has only continued to accelerate... 

I sound like a broken record I know... and trust me if I could think about anything other than feeling better, I would and I'd write about it... but for right now, I'm struggling... because at the end of the day, you really only have yourself and when your self is sick,... well let's just say sometimes the ramifications can be a lot greater than just compromised health.

Sleeping Beauty

Day 4 of Bronchitis, and I finally have energy to type. Last night was a complete disaster. I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst pain in my throat, only to discover that my bathtub and toilet were overflowing water onto my bathroom floor and it was seeping out into my living area. It took me 2 hours to clean up. I had a throbbing headache the entire time, and well I don't actually own shitty towels, so I used about 12 dollars worth of paper towels to clean it up. I could be a spokesperson for Bounty.

I make an absolutely awful sick person you know... the whole resting, and being quiet, and eating chicken broth while laying still... not me. I'm more of the, "Damn it, it's a gorgeous day, I need to be outside, I can't believe I missed work, and I am sick of broth, and I want Thai food, and how many shitty romance comedies can one watch in a day, and forget the laying down. If I lay down, I get acid reflux, and if I sit up, my head feels like it's going to fall off my neck. And every time I breathe I need to cough, and every time I cough I drool. And I'm like a cranky bitchy baby who wants cake and ice cream...wait a sec... that's a f-ing amazing idea!" (<---told you I'm a really terrible sick person... I'm like the sick person people want to pull the plug on...they're like That bitch is crazy...just let her go... I'm not the one Oprah does a special on and raises a billion dollars for, that's for sure).

Oh and did I fail to mention that I'm like the most gorgeous thing alive right now... seriously. I could be on the cover of Vogue and I swear people would buy it just for shock value. I look like the poltergeist only with better clothes that I am now ruining with sickness.

I thought your'e supposed to get Bronchitis when you're smoking...not after you've quit so successfully! Maybe this is like... my punishment for not quitting sooner... or for I don't know...a million other things I probably shouldn't have done in my life. But hell, who's counting?

Okay I'm off to beg my mom for cake and ice cream ...wait....dammit...we only have cheesecake (and hell I'm not complaining really about that because to have any kind of food that has sugar in it in this house is like a miracle...) SOLD. Cheesecake it is... (still going to beg for popsicles or something...)

I know... I wouldn't want to be my mom either in these instances...she is the best though. My Dad is the best also, as he drove over to get me at 6 am when I called him practically sobbing about toilet water... 

Breathing Equals Cleaning Equals Do NOT Buy Bed Linens at 4 am

So it's been a rather busy month for me so far, and you can probably tell since I haven't written anything in a bazillion years but it is 5:39 am, and I happen to have some time so.... Here's what's happening in my neck of the woods (as my non-favorite weatherman likes to say)...

I woke up at 3 am and thought I was having a panic attack because I couldn't breathe. I actually don't know if it was or wasn't a panic attack, but it was scary and I didn't want to wake anyone so I went on WebMD which is the worst thing to do if you're already panicking... I mean, be prepared to face death as a possible outcome of the 3 symptoms you choose on that site...

At any rate, I figured it must be allergies, so I went on a mad cleaning frenzy where I swept, dusted and mopped my entire apartment... then I took an allergy pill and haven't been able to go back to sleep...

I am wondering if I had a minor asthma attack and well, while it wouldn't be the first time (it would be the second), to me it is still unbelievably ironic. Quit smoking, Gain Asthma! There's a tag line....

Anyway, I'm not going to lie, I was a little freaked out and stressed and usually cleaning when I can't sleep helps me go back to sleep but this time it made me more restless...so I changed all of my sheets, remade my bed, and then proceeded to search for a new allergen free comforter and queen sized italian percale duvet cover. No, I did not "Checkout." (The "You need to have a housewarming so someone else can buy this shit for you because you can't afford it" concept had crossed my mind and I minimized said window).

It is almost 6. I'm going to try to go back to sleep at least for an hour... will keep you posted (and yes I will get back to you in less than a month :)

Morning Joe

I woke up this morning rather late. Okay it wasn't late but it was late enough, and some show called "Good Morning Joe" or something was on, which reminds me of my favorite movie growing up which was "Reality Bites." (Too boring to explain why, just watch the damn movie...it's good).

I wanted to BE Janeane Garofalo in that movie. Actually,... so much so that I really did end up getting a job at the Gap once. (Yes, I only made it two weeks before I quit and in those two weeks worked a total of 8 hours but it was just THAT bad). At the time, I thought if she could make 400 dollars a week, and learn how to fold the perfect sweater...then why the hell wouldn't I want that!?@ I know... my ambition is startling. Well, you can't say I never tried it :)

Anyway, I bring up that movie because well... when I saw Good Morning Joe, I thought about Reality Bites and that made me think about smoking and then I thought, shit what time is it? I have to get to work! So I thought about cigarettes by way of association...and then I thought...holy shit it really has been 3 whole months! Mind you this was around the time I broke down and had one the last time I quit, but I don't know... I feel so much stronger than I ever have, and to be honest, its been a lot easier this go-round. Now everything else in my life... hahahaha... not so much.

Anyway, have a terrific Tuesday. L.

Ashes to Ashes

I woke up this morning at 4 am, I flipped on MSNBC and through the sleep in my eyes made out the crowds in front of the White House... mere blocks from where I live. I had fallen asleep 1 hour before the announcement was made that Osama Bin Laden was killed. For the world, it is a historic day, and for those of us here in the states, it's a time of renewed unity but it's also a time of reflection.

It's been 3 months now since I quit smoking cigarettes... and I will tell you what this day reminds me of... like most people, you've probably thought back to 9/11. Everyone remembers where they were that day. I was in a high rise brick building in Brooklyn waiting for my first college class of the day to begin. I was sitting at a table, wondering if I had time to grab a coffee before class started. Our professor was already 10 minutes late....

It was a gorgeous day and I had already looked out the windows in our room before I took my seat. We had a perfect view of the entire New York City skyline. I was half awake and I can remember my friend sitting by the window, and all of a sudden she said to me, "Get over here...you have to see this! I think a plane just hit a building..." and I said, "I don't want to see that... and how come I always miss the freak accidents... are you sure it wasn't a bird?" And she said, "Lindsay, just look at the smoke. Seriously... this smoke is crazy! A bird couldn't do that...."

So I came over... and I couldn't believe it. I thought... wow... how weird is that!? She was right... the smoke was incredible.. and we both sat at the window, looking at it pouring out of the first tower... waiting for our professor to arrive. "It's like a movie!" We both said in unison. 9 minutes later... I was still staring at the tower, and all of a sudden,... I could see this little thing that looked like a huge bird...coming towards the second tower... and then the second plane hit, and exploded and my immediate thought was....this isn't a f-cking accident at all. Suddenly as if my friend had woken up from a dream,...she grabbed my arm, and said, "My mother's in there! My mother works at the WTC! I have to call her." But like all of us had experienced that day... no calls were going through. Seconds later the professor next door comes in and says, "There's news we may be under a terrorist attack. Please stay here for further information."

Two minutes later, our professor arrived and gave us a 10 minute break to call loved ones. I got my dad who was working downtown at the time in Washington DC... he answered immediately and when he answered he said, "Lindsay, We're being evacuated... I have to go..." and before I could say anything else, his phone cut off... I thought, "What the hell is going on?!" So I called my mother... and she told me her building was being evacuated but she wasn't going to leave... and she didn't know what was going on. When I got back upstairs, My friend was in a panic. She couldn't reach her mother...and so she left (her mother was fine...she got out safely) but the whole thing was terrifying. I wasn't aware at the time the Pentagon had been hit, or of the plane in PA...

When we were finally dismissed, I walked briskly, hands trembling, and I remember lighting up a cigarette in the stairwell before I even got outside. Apparently I wasn't the only one with this idea... there were three of us, and I can remember this girl saying, "We have to be the only damn school in New York City that didn't cancel classes!" Then the guy who was smoking too said, "Yeah no kidding... friend goes to FIT and they definitely got out" To this day, I believe they were right. We were told to put our fears, frustrations, and sadness into our work. I can't tell you how well that went over...

When I got back to my dorm room CNN was on. I grabbed a beer, lit a cigarette and sat on a hard wooden chair and didn't move for 7 hours. It was the first I had heard of the Pentagon and PA and everything...but what I couldn't get out of my head was that I had watched it happen...not on TV.... but in real life... I ran out of cigarettes by 8pm and went for a walk to the bodega for more... you could hear a pin drop that night. The streets were empty and not only that, I could literally smell the smoke from the towers all the way in Brooklyn... by morning, the ashes had crossed the river...along with the papers from the towers... I can remember feeling the ash on my face... tasting it... I can remember seeing all the bits of white paper and not wanting any of it to touch me... That weekend I went home. I had never missed home so badly in all my life.

Anyway, I have probably never chain smoked like that since. I was in such a daze,... all I really remember after that was going to buy cigarettes and then by Thursday I was at Penn Station waiting for my train to take me home... That day that I left for home... was the first day that week I didn't see smoke...

Tornados Are So Annoying When You're Trying to Watch Reality TV

New day, new attitude and I'm sure you're thinking... "Who exactly are you trying to convince?" But I'm serious. I actually woke up and listened to AC/DC and it put me right back where I needed to be. Then I got ready for work, while my neighbors had sex and I listened to the weatherman tell me for the billionth time about the tornadoes. Which, I get that they are sweeping the nation and it's a terrible and awful thing, and really kind of freaky but the warnings in the middle of me trying to watch "The Voice" last night.... got a little old... Good show though... finally giving me something to test my DVR out with.

Anyway, I have a ton of shit to do today, and not a lot of time, but no fear.... I am in great spirits and looking forward to something good happening today :) Hope your day is awesome and tornado free.

Better Luck Next Year

Well,... unfortunately I did not get into the New York Marathon this year which is disappointing but, I'll live. Just means I'll apply next year, until I do get in... the goal was to run it by the time I am 35... so I've got time. (How's that for looking on the bright side).

And yes... I'm just a little sad about this.

Carly Simon's "Anticipation" Is Playing in the Background

I am totally that person standing at the elevator, pushing the button a million times because I actually believe it's going to make the elevator come faster. I have now been to the New York City Marathon website page about... well it's not important how many times I've been... I've been a lot okay? And it's killing me not knowing if I got in or not.

Is it wrong that I've actually had the thought that they do this shit on purpose... like they have some secret Darwinian plot to weed out the weak from the strong because they know that this whole anticipation process might actually kill someone. So hopefully I didn't quit smoking too late. KIDDING!!!

Anyway, I have to write a bio for myself now. (Second worse thing next to waiting to find out if you got in the marathon or not)...

PS: Whatever happens, I'll be fine... but I'll be even more finer (yup... I said more finer) if I got in :)

If You Get Through This One I'll Be Amazed!

So in light of the fact that I now have 15 followers, and 1515 hits on this thing... I have decided to honor my "followers" and this commitment to quitting smoking by listing the 15 most important things I've learned so far by way of quitting smoking. And I wanted to share them with you since this blog is about quitting and I have admittedly gotten a little off topic as of the last few weeks. So here goes:

15 Things I've Learned By Way of Quitting Smoking

1. I am stronger than I thought.  Habits are hard to break. Especially ones you derive so much pleasure from, but if even for a second, you felt like you needed to break a habit, then there is probably good reason for that. I had always had it in my mind that it was a choice. It wasn't a habit and it wasn't an addiction. It was a lifestyle, and it was something I enjoyed. Well... when I really listened to myself,... even when I would try to convince myself having one would be okay,... somehow I was able to stick with it, and I can be pretty damn convincing, so... I am definitely stronger than I gave myself credit for... because I have always (as with most people I'm sure) been my own worst enemy.

2. I can face things head on. Quitting has forced me to actually deal with difficult situations as opposed to run from them. When I would get upset, or frustrated, or angry, I would go blow off steam by smoking. I would use it as an out. I could literally run. I could say, "Well F*ck that. I'm going for a smoke and you can't stop me" and sure... I did that a lot. It wouldn't make me think... it wouldn't do anything but allow myself †o stew in my own pissed offness. It perpetuated a "F That" attitude. And in quitting, I no longer feel the need to run. I can sit and evaluate and figure things out.

3. I can rely on myself to get me through. I think #2 is a good segway to this point. I have learned how to rely on myself to work through things. I call my friends for advice a lot less, I vent out loud a lot less (although this blog has definitely had a huge part in that), and I have been able to talk myself through things which has in turn forced me to think for myself, instead of evaluate a handful of other people's opinions. And this one thing... this one ability to fend for myself, has perhaps made me feel more empowered than I have ever felt.

4. I am pretty good company. If you've ever smoked, (or owned a Blackberry), then you know that feeling, when you're alone, and you suddenly feel dumb just being....alone...so you either pull out a cigarette, or pull out your phone, and suddenly you feel less lonely.... well,...now that I don't smoke, and I really am not one to text,... I find myself a lot more comfortable just being. Like when I walk home. I can sort of just... walk and not be bothered that I don't have anything in my hand. Its a little weird still but... it's freeing as well and I don't feel lonely. I feel.... like I am more aware of everything around me. Including myself.

5. I can talk to people. I never really thought of myself as an extrovert. I have always hated going to parties where I don't know anyone and the thought of being at a restaurant by myself or anything like that,... has always in the past made me feel like an asshole. But now that I don't smoke, and I don't run outside at the first feeling of uncomfortableness, it has forced me to be a lot more outgoing. I also can't start a conversation with, "Gotta light?" Because let's be honest... that's too damn easy. Now I actually have to think of clever ins. Like, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" (KIDDING,... GEEZ I quit smoking not quit being sarcastic)

6. I have a really good/positive attitude. I'm not sure how this happened. I mean... I've always had a whole lot of attitude but now it's primarily good.... I swear I really don't know how this happened but I blame quitting on this one because there is no other possible way to explain this. I still get pissy and I still get upset but I do the whole lemons to lemonade thing a lot faster and a lot more frequently now.

7. I can inspire people. I have always been one to sort of chalk up my ability to inspire others by blaming my talent, as opposed to recognizing I may actually have something to offer others. Well, I can't tell you how many people have said that my blog inspired them, or that my quitting inspired them...and I am really starting to believe that I did and it's kind of awesome to think I may have inspired even one person.

8. I can be disciplined. Quitting smoking takes discipline. It's like any other "bad habit." or good habit for that matter. I never thought of myself as disciplined but I think the trick is that when I broke the habit of smoking... I replaced it with other more positive habits, and pretty soon, I fell out of the routine of smoking and into the routine of doing other things (like writing this blog).

9. I value time. The proverbial "they" say....Time is a precious thing to waste....If I think about how much time I spent smoking it's incredible. I timed myself once. If I was stressed I could smoke a cigarette in 7 minutes flat. If not...anywhere between 10 and 15 minutes. And then there's how much time I spent trying to hide it, and trying to figure out how I would be able to get cigarettes and if stores would be open or if restaurants would have smoking areas or if I would be in a group of smokers or non smokers...ridiculous. Now I have so much going on I can't even believe I found the time to do and think about all of that!

10. I do actually care about my life. I guess it's a simple thing... It's a simple concept to think about. I care about my life. The quality of it. The degree of care I put into the things that matter to me most. I think it's very easy to feel invincible and smoking is a rebutel to kinda giving a shit. But I do care/give a shit... and it's not about what others think, but it's more about what I think about my own life that's the important thing. 

11. I need support. As independent as I want to be, and feel sometimes... I fully recognize how important it is to get and surround myself with support. I have been shocked with how many people have sent me words of encouragement or positive thoughts as well as how many people have opened up to me about their own lives and struggles with smoking. It has helped me tremendously and I feel very privileged to have the level of support I've been given and as much as I'd like to credit myself with quitting, I have all of you to thank as well. I think it's made the experience of quitting a lot easier. Actually, I know it has.

12. Positivity is contagious. I know I talked about having a positive attitude earlier but this is bigger than that I think. Since I quit, I've been a lot happier and in being happier have met a lot of really positive people, and when you're around that... I think it's contagious. It's attractive and it has sort of brightened up my world.

13. There will always be something. So not to undermine the achievement of actually not smoking for 2.5 months, but there will always be something I need to work on. I love that I've been able to quit smoking cold turkey (and yes this will be a never ending thing I suppose) I just don't want to rest on my laurels. I actually think the challenge of this whole process has kept me feeling.... alive.

14. Listening to myself is a good thing. The day I decided to quit smoking I had a conversation with myself that went something like this:

Me: You should quit.

Me No shit.

Me: No seriously. Stop thinking about it and just do it. All you do is talk talk talk.

Me Fine.

Me Seriously.

Me I said find.

Me Are you seriously going to quit?

Me Yes. 

Me Fuck off. I don't believe you.

Me Don't care if you do or not.

And that day I picked a day to quit and then just... quit. So I think when I just shut up and actually listen to myself... I don't do so bad you know? Actually I should probably do that more often... 

15. It's the journey. I know. Totally corny, totally cliche and guess what... totally true. I'll always be "quitting" but if in 2.5 months I've never felt this good...it isn't because I just...quit smoking one day. The first two weeks were f-ing hell. It's that in the past 2.5 months, I feel like a different person and my life has changed and my decision to quit was a part of it,... and every day will be different and trust me I know I sound like a spokesperson for AA or something but I appreciate this entire experience. So... put that in your pipe.

I hope you don't want to vomit now that you've read this but... just so you know, this took a long ass time for me to write this because I think if you're going to tell people what you learned, you ought to do your best to a. be honest and b. not make  yourself look  like a total asshole :)

L.

PS: Look for me tomorrow when I announce on this thing wether or not I got into the NYC marathon!

Case of the Mondays

It's Monday and I've been up since 3:30. I woke up to an infomercial for some contraption that supposedly makes you lose 30 pounds in 10 days. It was really disturbing because it involved some guy who looked like he was seconds away from roid rage, and he was straddling something that looked like a pogo stick. I quickly flipped to music videos and happened upon "F***ing Perfect" by Pink, which I actually really like which is probably not too shocking... Three and a half hours later, I left for work. Don't even ask me what I was doing because I have no idea... all I know is I'm at work and it definitely feels like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed....

Oh the Build Up

So last night I was sitting in bed, minding my own business, when my phone pinged. It was an email from the New York City Road Runners Club, alerting me to the fact that next week, (actually, Wednesday at Noon to be exact), they will be announcing who got into the New York City Marathon (of which I applied to last year). In case you didn't know, the NYC Marathon is a lottery. They have so many applications every year that you can't just sign up and get in...you have to go through this unless you're aiming for the Olympics, or you've been denied three times and then you automatically get in...

For those of you that know me, I have only ever run half marathons. (Marine Corps 2010, and Baltimore Half) I've never even run a 5K... but if I get in, this will be the first race, and the first training program I'm on, where I didn't have cigarettes. This is a very big deal. I know you're thinking....what on earth is she talking about? Isn't that a good thing? And yes, of course it is...but you have to understand that training is very much about the habit of running for me. Do I love to run...yes. BUT only when training. Otherwise I feel like I'm not working towards anything.

Smoking was as much a part of my training as the actual running. On the rare occasion I'd get up for early morning runs, I would hop in my car, stash 3 cigarettes in my running gear and head out to the track. On the way there I would smoke one, and then smoke the second once I had parked the car, and then I'd save the third for after I had finished my milage. On evening runs, especially when I hit the trail, I'd just keep the pack in my car, and on the drive in and on the drive out, I would chain smoke the entire time. It was as if I believed I couldn't run without smoking first... it would...in a sense...boost my confidence. Looking back it was so f-ing stupid I can't get over it but that was what I did. And when I did stop smoking for three months, I felt like I was dying on my runs. I kept coughing and I felt like I couldn't breathe... it was really very difficult. So this time around, it will be interesting to see how my body reacts to not having the nicotine... and not having the actual physical cigarettes to rely on to get me through the training.

My dad always used to tell me, "Lindsay... the hardest part is starting." And he was right. Smoking allowed me to procrastinate. I found myself saying, "I will start this run as soon as I'm done with this cigarette." And now I will not have that. I will only have me. So far it hasn't been so bad, but.... then again, I haven't had a 26.2 mile race either :)

If I don't get in, and that's always a huge possibility,... I will look for another race. Another half. I think my first full marathon needs to be in New York.... but I'm glad I applied because the whole thing has me excited about running again. (It's way too easy to forget about it)

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed I get in, and I'll let you know as soon as I do whether its NYC or someplace else :)

PS: TGIF!

AHHHHHHHHNunciate

So this morning I went to a different Starbucks. I switched up because the last time I went to the one across the street from my job (which is my usual place), the lady at the register said, "Oh. You again. You must have nothing to do all day." I replied, "Actually I have plenty to do, I just need coffee to do it." I happened to be with co-workers who were just appalled at this, and I didn't even realize how rude her comment was until about 5 minutes after it happened but the more I thought about it, the more ticked off I became, and so this morning I decided to boycott, and so I went to a different Starbucks. I hate doing this by the way because I enjoy the perks of being a regular. I like the fact that the woman actually making my coffee at my regular place, doesn't have to ask me what I want, it's already ready by the time I get up to the register which means I never have to actually wait. But this morning, I had to wait (and we all know how much I love waiting). I also had to repeat myself several times, and I just don't get how I ask for a large iced coffee and the person ahead of me asks for some insane complicated order that involves twenty more steps, and the guy understands her perfectly even though she's Spanish and he's African! I mean... really? So I have to go through, "Wait what did you say?" over and over again. So I had to speak really slowly and annunciate which to me, makes me not only sound like I'm one of those bitchy customers, but I'm sure everyone in line was just thinking, "Wow just because he's African doesn't mean he's retarded!" And that is SO NOT what was going on. I don't know how I get in these situations but somehow... I do.

Anyway, same thing happens again, an hour later when some coworkers asked if I wanted to go grab breakfast. I brought lunch and forgot to eat breakfast, so I went, and of course the exact same thing happens.

Me: Can I get the American Scramble?
Cashier: Do you want the American? Or the Southwestern? Or the Pepper Scramble?
Me: American.
Cashier: So scrambled?
Me: Yes.
Cashier: American though right?
Me: Yes
Cashier: Potatoes?
Me: No. Scrambled Eggs. American. Nothing else. To go.
Cashier: Okay to stay or to go?

I sh*t you not. I don't know if it's me or what it is....but I feel like I must not annunciate or I don't say things in the right order or something. I must not speak clearly and I don't understand what I can be doing differently so that A. I don't sound like I'm patronizing them, and B. So that I don't have to repeat myself a bazillion times. If you have any suggestions please let me know.  In the mean time, I'm sticking to Kashi breakfast bars from Safeway. (The strawberry ones are amazing)

Breakfast, Coffee, Energy, Speed

It's remarkable how the day to day has changed for me in a relatively short amount of time. I wake up, I brush my teeth, I put my hair up in a bun, I make my bed, I hop in shower, I blow dry hair, I put on my makeup, I pick out my clothes to wear for the day, I pour myself a cranberry juice and turn on the Today show and then mute it when Al Roker comes on. I check for my phone, my keys, my money and my wallet. I turn off the TV. I walk to Starbucks and eventually end up at work. It's all...become a morning routine, and it's about the only routine thing that occurs for me throughout the day.

The rest of the day is unpredictable, and exciting, and new. It's a balancing act and I'm still trying to figure it out. For the first time in awhile, I'm really being challenged at the one thing I know I'm good at and I neither feel threatened or hurt because suddenly I'm not at the top of my class. I feel good knowing that someone else knows I can do better, or think differently, or do more. I feel good knowing I'm not the only one loving my job. I am inspired. Part of this is the getting the new job. Part of this is the quitting smoking. Part of this is just me finding myself.

Please note: I forced myself to have breakfast this morning so I'm hoping it helps my brain functionality and acts as a preventative measure from crashing around 2 pm which has been happening this week. I also think that having breakfast this morning has done two things. It's increased my energy level for the immediate future, and it has caused me to sort of get back on track in terms of balancing the various responsibilities I have. If I'm not making sense, please also note that I have also finished my iced coffee, and have an intense amount of energy right now. So I'm going to go and channel that into some brilliant ad concepts now. Have a great Wednesday.

Al Roker Sucks

I had a nurse in highschool who used to say "Just gargle with salt water." It was her answer to everything. Broken leg? Gargle with salt water. Fever? Gargle with salt water. Hives? Gargle with salt water. I suppose until then I had really only smoked. I hadn't even had seasonal allergies until much later on in my twenties when they got really bad. So bad that last year I had developed a mild case of asthma, and while I waited for the pharmacy to fill my inhaler prescription, I was smoking a Marlboro Light right outside. At the time I thought, "Well shit.... at least this is calming me down, and it may even be opening up some kind of air way..." I know.... the shit I came up with...

This morning, I wasn't having an asthma attack. I was having an allergy attack so I stopped in at CVS for a little Loratadine fix. I am finally starting to feel like I can breathe. Salt water my foot. Speaking of foot,... can I just tell you that I also bought some insoles for my shoes which apparently I can't seem to live without because either my feet are shrinking or my shoes are getting bigger and walking to work in shoes that feel too big... especially when they are heels...no fun. I know my mother is thinking "Well I told her to wear flats" but... it's not the same and I'm sorry but I'm going through a bit of an age complex since everyone around me seems to think I'm 12 years old. The heels help. Trust me.

In other news, the waterfront flooded today. Amazing actually, for two reasons. 1, you could barely see the tops of the umbrellas at Tony and Joes! And 2, because I actually watched the news this morning! and part of the Today Show (which I am feeling a little like I need to start working into my daily because I seem to be the only one of my peers that doesn't watch the Today show on a regular basis). Truthfully, it's a little hard for me to stomach. For one, I don't buy for a second that Matt Lauer is a nice guy. I think he's probably a royal dick. And second of all... Al Roker? I just can't... anyway, enjoy the rest of your day. I didn't have to drive so I won't have to deal with parking attendants today so my day is already off to an awesome start.

Parking and Voicemail and Reunions

Mondays for me either start off really good, or really bad, and that is usually determined by how fast I am able to get up after my first alarm goes off. If I hit snooze more than 3 times,... then it's all down hill from there. If I get up in 2 or less... well then I'm all good.

Today... I hit snooze 7 times.

By 6:27 am I was racing outside to feed the parking meter. Thank God no one was around because I really looked like a crazy person. It took almost 4 dollars in quarters to give me almost two hours of time... this city I swear... but when I got upstairs... I got a significant amount accomplished.

For one thing, I finally set up my voicemail. It only took 22 takes sitting on the bathroom floor mat so that my voice didn't echo in my nearly empty apartment. Something about hearing your own voice is very... I dunno unsettling. I never sound the way I think I sound. Okay no wait...shit. I just called my home phone and it wasn't me... perfect. So glad I called! Had you read this and then called me,...you would have thought I had a sex change! Why the hell didn't it record? Okay...evening project...check.

Well, now that we know my voicemail message attempt was all in vain, I did pack my lunch, I actually ate breakfast for the first time in months and I changed outfits 6 times. I have this theory,...if you can pull yourself together on a Monday, then you sure as hell ought to be able to get through the rest of the week... and if not...at least you look good and no one's the wiser...

Anyway, hope your Monday feels like Tuesday :) L.

PS: Parking at my office is like going to the DMV. You have to, and it is ALWAYS, WITHOUT FAIL a royal f-ing pain in the ass.

Note to garage attendant: Tell me how to park my car again and I'll tell you something...


PSS: I saw my Dad's old secretary this morning when I was coming out of Starbucks. She hadn't changed a bit. I was a little worried she wouldn't know who I was but...she did...and she didn't even make a "You're all grown up" comment! She just said, "You look so good!" And well,...who doesn't love that :) See...pays to look good on a Monday... compliments always make one feel better....maybe my Monday luck has turned.

Happy Friday (Although probably not as happy as Thursday)

Yesterday was such a great day that I just don't see how today can top it. For one thing, it was absolutely gorgeous outside. So nice you didn't even need a coat. I also got to leave work a little before 5, and that never happens so I put in my ear buds, and took a nice long, 12 blocks in 4 inch platform boots stroll... to a little place where my old co-workers were having a happy hour. 

On the way to the bar, I saw the beginnings of a real Spring everywhere around me. I unintentionally walked past the White House... and sure enough, it looked like Japanese Disney World. Asian tourists flooded the streets with their cameras and their babies, and their peace sign poses... incredible. Even though I'm Asian I don't think I have it in me to actually look as happy as they do... even if I am. Maybe it's because I never had a Hello Kitty backpack. I don't know. Whatever. The point is,... spring is here, and so are the tourists. 

By the time I made it to the bar, I was sweating. I actually wasn't even recognized immediately but that's probably because I was reading (yes Dad... I do read. And no it wasn't Vogue or Cosmo it was an article written for the Harvard Business Review thankyouverymuch...) when the first of my old colleagues arrived. It was nice to see everyone again but at the same time, strange. Strange because so much has changed. More than half the people there I didn't even recognize (because they were new smart ass...not cause I was hammered), but it was fun, and good to see everyone. 

Anyway, tomorrow I get cable, which is kind of a relief because I owed so much in taxes, it took a lot out of my fun funds :) So HBO... it is. Anyway, hope you all have a fab weekend. I'm still going to the Hirshhorn (free museums....one of the perks of being in DC)

Disappointment, Cable and the Art of Seeing the Light

It's been a busy couple of days. Okay you're right...it's been a busy month. I know I've completely dropped the ball on this blog thing but I think I'm going to be able to get back to it for real starting this weekend. For one thing, I have the cable guy coming which means I will finally be able to connect to the outside world via something other than my iPhone (not that I don't love my iPhone but it has it's limitations, and my hands are starting to hurt). 

In other news, I've been so busy at work that I've hardly had time for much else, so I've decided that this weekend, I'm going to take myself out on a solo date. Maybe go to a museum or watch a movie... hell maybe even both....something that doesn't involve anyone else. I know,...you're thinking well...isn't that what you'll be doing while waiting for the cable guy? True, but I want to do something that I'll actually enjoy. Yes. I think this plan sounds good. I have been so wrapped up in whats been going on in my professional life, that I'm starting to feel my personal life needs a little TLC. Plus, I have hobbies...interests, that extend beyond blogging, and working, and well...smoking... although you can now officially cross that off the list. (Haven't had once since January 30th, 2011).

Like Saturday morning might be the perfect time to go for a run. I mean... I haven't done that in a while and I think it would be good for me. Plus it will give me a chance to explore my new neighborhood and find the Trader Joe's everyone keeps telling me about. Then there is a Calder exhibit at the Portrait Gallery which looks like it could be good, but I think I might even try the Hirshhorn. They're having an exhibit called "ColorForms" which looks amazing... light installations are always fun. Regardless, I'm making a commitment to make my own fun because the second you start to rely on something or someone to get your kicks for you, that's how disappointment sets in, and in this life... I'm kinda kicking ash right now so why F that up when there is nothing to be disappointed about?

:) Have a great Thursday everyone. L.

Monday Monday

Where do I begin? This weekend was a success in my eyes. I did about 8 loads of laundry (okay 9), and sorted my dry cleaning, and brought almost all of my clothing to my new place, and with the help of my Dad, was able to hang an amazing piece of art on my wall and with the help of my Mom, (and my Dad later on) we assembled a file drawer on wheels,...and can I just say that there is no way I could have done that without them? Within 2 seconds of hammering in the pieces, my mother goes, "Umm... you skipped a step." Of course I did! The chances of me putting together [successfully] anything that includes a photocopied black and white single sheet of illustrated instructions... not so good. (i.e., Elfa needs to hire a new instruction illustrator because the one they have drew something that looked like a rectangular rocket ship with the screws floating around in outer white space...idiot.) 

On Saturday, I woke up early, headed to my office to pick up my car so I could cart sh*t back and forth to  my new place, and as I was pulling out of my parking space a huge f-ing concrete pillar came out of nowhere and clawed the side of my car! Yes. I know! The nerve! So now I do actually look like a female Asian driver that can't drive. Perfect. Hate when that happens! Even Dad said, "well, better call GEICO...got it pretty good there..." I just love fulfilling stereotypes. So awesome.

Despite the car, despite spending an awful lot of time dealing with my overwhelming and not so spectacular wardrobe, I actually managed to get through an entire weekend not completely worried or pre-occupied with things I needed to get done at work. Of course, I had moments...but I was pretty good about it, and it allowed me to get through the second to last part of my moving. I think by next weekend I should be all good to go (until I'm not of course). Mom...you better keep an eye on your ironing board...I'm just saying...if it goes missing next weekend, don't look at me...I'm the one warning you :)

Although I was able to stress less about work, I had other stresses...like the fact that I hadn't paid my first months rent yet, or set up my online account to do so... or the fact that my best friend left for Paris and is now staying at some fabulous hotel that looks out onto the Chanel store. Then there was the issue of having two friends cancel plans with me on Sunday, which I completely understand but it left me realizing, that the fastest way to get yourself out of a funk, is to put yourself to work. The busier you are, the less lonely you feel. At least that's how it's been working out for me. So I watched season 1 of Mad Men (again) and let me just tell you... I didn't actually have a physical craving for a cigarette after watching it, but I definitely had a mental one... but the mental craving disappeared when I looked into my bathroom and saw my perfume sitting there... I thought...well now I can actually smell it. So I got over that one real quick. I also found, while going through my crap, a whole box of Nicorette lozenges. I should sell those things. They're like poison, but I got them just in case I was feeling anxious. Haven't used them yet,..and people keep saying I will cave but... I just don't see that happening...not when I've been through all I've been through and haven't touched one. 

Anyway, hope you all have a happy Monday. I have to get some work done now but last thing... the posts will come more regularly after I get my Internet set up at home... so stay tuned. That should happen this weekend.

Unbelievable

I just wrote a really good blog post. No seriously... a really good one,...and then hit "Publish Post" and BAM the thing crashed and I lost it! I'm so mad I can't even blog right now. DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!! Deep breaths. Deep deep breaths. Unbelievable. F-ing A.

Taking My Time

This morning was the first morning in awhile that I've woken up and taken my time. Typically I'm in a rush for no reason. A rush to get ready, a rush to choose my outfit, a rush because I have no where to go at 4:45 am. 

Today, however, I literally took my time because I realized... I live 10 walking minutes from my job. I do not have to be there before the sun comes up every day. I do not have to rush. I can actually enjoy this moment. Maybe it was the pillows I bought yesterday at Macy's, or the fact that the paint smell is slowly starting to dissipate from my apartment... whatever it was, it was good and today I feel... awake..... and I kind of can't wait to just be alone in my new place again. 

Have a great day, enjoy every moment, and I'll write you later. 

L.

Learning How to Walk (to Work)

Last night it rained.  It rained so hard it woke me up momentarily, and I lay in my new bed, in my new apartment thinking about how comforting the rain can be sometimes. Last night was my first night sleeping  there. I thought it would be,... lonely, but I popped in a DVD, straightened up my closet and toiletries, and more or less went to sleep. When I woke up, it was dark and I could hear the garbage truck picking up canisters from the streets below. Since I don't have cable set up yet, I played another DVD, and lay in bed remembering that there was no point in actually getting up because hell it was 4:45 am and I am now literally a 10 minute walk (in heels) to work. Fate must be smiling because the rain stopped 10 minutes before I left my apartment and I got to walk to work without getting drenched, (umbrella was left in my car so... note to self...bring that shit home).

Anyway, all is well and the day has just begun so gotta run (need some breakfast :)

2 Months and a Wakeup

It's officially been two whole months since I quit smoking. Actually, my anniversary was on April Fools day but... the point is,...it's been two months and it feels longer to me (and I mean that in a good way). I was thinking about it the other day because it wasn't me that had reminded me of my quit anniversary but a friend, and I thought,..."Wow, I haven't even thought about smoking in awhile! Amazing! I've really done it!" Mind you, part of this is because I've been so busy with all of the other things going on. You know that saying... "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans?" well... I have never felt that more than now.

I'm at work. It's 7:30 am but I've actually been here for an hour, moving the stuff that's been sitting in my car from my last job, up to my office at my new job. Three boxes to be exact of design books, type annuals, and picture frames... My car is thanking me right now because I just took about 300 pounds off of it.

You would think arriving before 7 am would make the elevators less crowded, only they weren't, and can I just tell you,.... I know what it's like not to be a morning person but I couldn't believe how rude everyone was! I literally rode the elevator up with 4 people (not including myself) with a box full of hardcover books and holding two sets of keys, trying not to pass out and balancing the box on a ledge the width of a dime. So I ask "Can someone please hit 4 for me?" And no one did! Can you believe it!? They all just...ignored me. In fact, after the one man on the elevator got off on 2, the woman in front of me, stepped aside so I could press 4, and kind of chuckled at me. That woman looked like she walked out of a Talbot's catalogue circa 1982 so I guess I'd be kind of a bitch too if I looked like her, and I'm sorry that was mean but seriously what is wrong with people!?! I don't understand.

In other news, this weekend I wasn't able to move everything I needed to move into my new apartment, but I was, (with the help of my best friend), able to move and get some of the more difficult things into my apartment. I even got a TV and a Blu Ray DVD player which... is kind of a big deal because I don't know the first thing about technology. If my best friend hadn't been there, I would have had a TV and not figured out how to plug the damn thing in.... something about DMI something cables or rather...??? Anyway, at the end of this weekend, I do feel like I got a lot accomplished... I have been feeling stretched a little thin, but I'm hanging in there and looking forward to a new week.

Thanks for reading this, and remember... as soon as I get situated (work, apartment, work, apartment...) I will be better with the consistency of my posts. I've had a lot of inquiries as to when I'm going to start up again with this blog, and it's not that I've completely forgotten about it, it's just I haven't had time. So again, please don't give up on me... I'm still here and I'm still committed. (No not like crazy in an asylum kind of way... committed to being smoke free....)

Early Bird Catches Weird Looks

You know you're different when you arrive to work before Starbucks opens (and you've already been to two), ....or before the parking garage attendant has time to put on his parking garage sweater and then shakes his head at you and says, "What could you possibly need to do this early?",.... or before the normal "early guy receptionist/security desk clerk" in your office building has made his post. This morning it was a Filipino guy who asked what floor I worked on and then proceeded to verify it. 

Truth is, I have to get in early enough to erase all the other non-work related things from my mind, and essentially pep talk myself into believing I am strong enough to get through another day and good enough to do it well.... and the more stressed I am, the earlier I get to work.

I am still in my earmuffs and my coat is still on because I have 7 minutes before Starbucks opens and well, my brain just won't function without it. Especially at 5:54 am. I have been staring at the screen for three minutes trying to think and all I can come up with is... "Lindsay, get the muffin AND the coffee... AND DONT FORGET THIS TIME!!!" I always forget the food part. Always. And then I get back to my desk and want to kick myself because I'm starving. It's bad not to eat breakfast. Everybody knows that. I grew up with a mother that eats fruit every single day, and some kind of yogurt and some kind of whole grain and it's just so... un natural don't you think? It actually makes me feel guilty sometimes knowing that I have a mother that leads by example because it means I'll never get to lead... (joking....kind of)

Running to Starbucks now. It should be open...sign said 6. Have a great day people and think of me around 2:30. That's when I'll be crashing and in desperate need of more Sbux.

The Apartment

The apartment is mine. I came, I saw, I signed. You ever just know about something? Like right off the bat, you just know. That's how it was when I saw the apartment. Tons of closet space, natural sunlight, newly renovated kitchen, separate vanity, parquet floors, new gym facility, parking garage, and roof deck with perfect view of the fireworks...and most importantly.... just 5 blocks from my new job, and 1 block from Starbucks!

I used to have this vision of myself walking to work with a cigarette, a copy of the Financial Times, and Starbucks in my hand. I know... why would I, of all people, ever be holding a copy of the Financial Times? Well, because I have always thought there was something tragically hip about a pink newspaper. Leave it to the Europeans! I'm sure I probably just lost several points for actually publicizing this notion of my mine, but again... I am who I am. Now,...  my vision is just me walking to work with Starbucks... and a really good soundtrack (think "Morning Glory").

Anyway, I'm going to the apartment today to take measurements... and of course... to show my parents that I can in fact choose a place... responsibly and that I will be okay. Truth is, I know the apt is five blocks from my job, I just don't know which five blocks... guess it's good I have an iPhone (Dad,... I'm kidding... sort of...)

Happy Sunday. Love, Me.

One Day At a Time

Happy Saturday everyone. It's me, and I'm starting to feel back to my old/new self again :) Confused yet? You don't know the half of it. I've been going through so much stuff I can't even tell you. What I can tell you,...is that I'm starting to feel like things are going to be all right and I think that's a functioning symptom of actual happiness. Don't misunderstand me... It's extremely tough to reconcile feeling good when you know someone else isn't feeling good but it is so necessary sometimes to just,... not beat yourself up about it. As I can attest to,...that's how you get strep, and it's disgusting so just do yourself a favor and let go.

Today is an important day. I am looking at an apartment and if it's as good as I think it's going to be... well then watch out everyone. No... I'm serious. Watch out because I'm going to have freak...out. Hopefully it doesn't actually manifest itself physically because then I'll really have no friends. None. Oh I get it. You thought I made that shit up about dancing and singing when happy? Nope. Completely serious. I'm a certifiable dork and this is what I do. I squeal with joy. Trust me...as I'm typing...I am shaking my head too.

I can't explain what's happened since I quit smoking but something seriously happened to me. It's not that my sarcasm disappeared or anything (trust me,.. I definitely still have that--you can ask Morgan....the parking garage attendant) but there's just this little bit of extra spaz in me that will not go away.

Example: Yesterday I was in my chair at work at exactly 6:45 am. Truth! And when I left... it was 7. And when I got home,...it was midnight. And when I went to bed... it was 1 am. And when I woke up,... it was 8 am.  My own parents will tell you I didn't have this much energy in elementary school. They couldn't wake me up for shit! My dad used to take the mattress and bounce it until I'd almost fall out of bed to get me up in the morning... not now. Now I get up, I do my thing, and I just... power through. It's incredible. And I can't help but think that this has absolutely everything to do with quitting smoking and taking up caffeine as a more socially acceptable addiction :)

Okay I leave you to enjoy your Saturday. Will let you know about the apt!

Elizabeth Taylor

Elizabeth Taylor once said, "It's not the having, it's the getting." I buy that (and yes, I buy a lot of things but I will add that to the list).

Well I feel like the King's fool over here, typing away,...when come to find out... you know who ..... no you know what... I'm not going to do what I just said I wouldn't do.....sit here and apologize for blogging because it makes me feel better even if an amazing, iconic, hollywood goddess passed away and the world is heartbroken over it. Yes. I'm very sad about it too, and I know I have more than a handful of friends who are probably ready to kill themselves, and me for my perceived insensitivity, but if there is anything she (being Elizabeth) or I (being me) or anyone else who is "ruled by their passions" knows,  is that you can't take it with you. It's like she said about her diamonds, "I adore wearing gems, but not because they are mine. You can't possess radiance, you can only admire it." And so it's not like you can't still admire her. Truth is, there are a million teenage girls who know nothing about her. Hell, Madonna is like a relic to them, but now they will... legacy right? Grace? The Today Show? What people give us, and when it's their best, or from their heart or it's honest, then you can admire it,...even if you aren't standing there next to them. Even if they aren't yours.

So actually, truth is... it's made me think. If she could get through 8 marriages to 7 husbands, have four kids, fight AIDS, and her numerous health problems, and still be Elizabeth Taylor...well then I can get through this and somehow it will be all right because I'll have me.

Its Just Me

Sometimes I think we go through things in life that test us in ways that completely break us, destroy us, and in some ways kill us because if we don't, we lose ourselves.

I have always known what I wanted to do in life. I've been told that's rare because most people don't know,  but whatever it is, I just always have. When I was old enough to talk, I wanted to be the lady that rode on the elephants at the circus. After that I wanted to be an Anchor Woman (just like Connie Chung), and then after that I wanted to be... an Art Director.... And that was the one that stuck. So I went to one of the best art schools in the country, graduated with a Communications Design degree, and started on the path towards that goal.

On Monday, that dream became a reality. It's the one thing that's happened in my life that I feel like I got on my own. Yes, people helped me get interviews, and connections, and have expanded my network, (and I'm so grateful to all of them) but I got the job and I can't tell you how happy I am for myself and at the same time it's been very hard to feel it and that would be because I broke it off with my boyfriend of almost 9 years. It's been the most painful thing I've ever done, and I did this after my first day of my new job. Words can't express how difficult it still is but also, how much I needed to do it. I've avoided writing this because, as my closest friends and family will tell you, I can't keep my mouth shut, but it's who I am and I just can't apologize anymore for that right now. It all hurts and writing actually helps so... bare with me.

When you've been with someone that long, you become an establishment. People start talking about what your kids are going to look like, and asking you questions like "When are you getting married?" And pretty soon people don't say your name without his, you become peanut butter and jelly. And at the end of the day, it's not about that. I'm not going to get into details about it but I will tell you that I've broken out into hives 3 times now... and I'm home sick with either strep or mono (mono test results come in this morning... please cross your fingers because I think I'll jump if it's mono). I've completely broken down mentally and physically but today,...even though my veins are filled with chicken broth and ginger ale, I'm starting to feel a little bit better (mentally). Physically I still feel like shit.

So lets recap:
• I got my dream job
• I ended an 8+ year relationship
• I have strep or mono (and have already had hives thrice)
• oh and I'm moving out of my parents basement. Finally. Getting my own place, attempting youthful independence... see how well I do.
• And last but certainly not least.... I've quit smoking (no I haven't had a cigarette and yes I get that it's very hard to believe considering the shit that's been going on but I honestly, haven't even had much time to think about smoking)

The truth is, I don't want to be one of those women who pity's herself or her life. I don't want to regret anything, and so far I haven't. I don't regret anything. I want to live without having lost myself, and what I want, and maybe people don't get it, or don't understand, but aside from smoking, and cursing,... apologizing is my third worst habit, and let's just say I just can't anymore. I can't apologize for what I want, or who I am, or my choices because they're mine.

If you're reading this, thank you. I hope you know how much it means to me and don't give up on me... because I'm not.

I'm Sorry

Okay I've done it. I've turned into one of those people that tells you they're 5 minutes away but really they're 20 minutes away. I've been going through the hardest time I've had in a long time so please bear with me. I'm putting the blog on hold for...a little bit but I promise you two things. One, I have not and will not smoke a cigarette, and Two,... I will be back. I promise. Anyway, I hope you're okay and just know I'm not giving up.

Tomorrow

Please check back tomorrow... Today was insane. I just can't write about it right now.

I'm Sorry I'm a Snob.... But Not Really....

So it's Thursday and it feels like Sunday because it's cloudy and raining, and grey outside. It's strange to have a day off... I went to Starbucks this morning just out of habit,... ordered my iced coffee, drank half of it, and then drove home.  And to get that wound up just to drive back home is kind of anti-climactic especially when you're used to working in PR.

Well, that will all change in a few days when I start my new job, but until then, I am trying to make the most of the rest of this week. So it's laundry day today, (I have enough laundry to keep a laundromat in business for 8 years...). It's never ending, and I can't even stress/complain about it because I get to watch my favorite chick flicks over and over again (I know... I literally have a repeat problem...BF would strangle me if he were here... he's now seen "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" more than any man ever should....) and all my friends are busy being adults and I'm (in between chick flicks and laundry), hoping to get enough chores done today.... so that tomorrow, when I get up at the butt crack of dawn again to go to New York, I'll actually be able to relax long enough to enjoy it.

My best friend, (for my birthday) got me a gift certificate to my favorite salon in the entire universe. Cutler Midtown on W. 57th in Manhattan. (Shameless plug I admit but so worth it) I used to go there every 4-6 months in college to get cut and color and even dragged my college roommates there once....

Aside from my repeat problem, and my previous smoking problem, I have a somewhat serious hair problem. Not in that my hair is bad,... my hair is f-ing amazing... (well it is dammit). The hair problem I have is that I'm obsessed with getting my hair done. In a salon. In a salon in New York City. In a salon in New York City that charges like it's a salon in New York City.

I have tried so many times to make it work here... at home... but I am not a lawyer. I do not work on the hill, and I do not make guest appearances on talking head shows or play anchor woman on the 7 o'clock news.... I am an Art Director who would like to feel like a supermodel every day she wakes up....So I have (on occasion) trekked back to my old college stomping grounds to yes,... do nothing but get my hair done. And it works.... every....single... time.

I know my parents are just shaking their heads. In high school I was very experimental... I had pink, yellow, blue and orange hair. It was awful I admit, and troubled my parents so much that once at dinner, while taking a bite of chicken cacciatori, my dad actually dropped his fork and said, "I can't take it anymore....you look ridiculous." (For the record... I dyed my hair black that very evening using box dye -- see how much i love my dad....box....dye....) Let the record state that not too long after that episode, they did actually ship me off to boarding school so I think that more than makes up for the momentary embarrassment I put them through during my formative years. (no comments from the peanut family gallery thing)

Anyway, I went to college in NYC and got accustomed to this one salon that made me feel like I was... a superstar. So much so that they would order me food if I asked for it, and would bring me Starbucks. Who doesn't love that!?@ And when they did,... I would stand in a special atrium in the back, smoking cigarettes with 45 pounds of foil on my head reading the latest issue of Vogue and texting my gay boyfriends all about how inspiring Marc Jacob's weight loss was and how maybe starving yourself isn't the worst possible thing you could do....

In the end, after 7 hours, and $600 dollars, I'd walk out feeling like the hottest thing since...Marc Jacobs... Now of course that was some time ago.... I was in college and in New York and well now I'm at home...living in my parents basement where I can promise you they aren't paying for me to get my hair done...

So I will treat myself to "the experience" one more time before I start this latest chapter in my life... only this time, I'll be reading BAZAAR and drinking iced coffee inside the salon while thinking about how ridiculous I must have looked smoking with all that foil on my head... and then laughing because I'm finally moving forward... and who doesn't want to move forward feeling like a supermodel?

Sorry...

I can't write right now but I will tomorrow. Promise.

Troy Aikman is Spanish and Works at the Salad Place By My Job!

Can I just tell you... that when I go to Starbucks, my order isn't so long you feel like you're reading scriptures. I am not one of those people that has a million dietary restrictions, or feels the need to "substitute" at restaurants. I never send things back and I always tip really well even if the service sucks. I guess you could say when it comes to eating and drinking... I'm easy. You can take me just about anywhere and not worry that I'll embarrass you. 

What does this have to do with a God Damn thing, you ask? Well, the hives are gone, and I just spent $11.47 on an f-ing cobb salad (which is more than the shrimp salad which makes me think... why the hell is the bacon more than the shrimp?) but I digress...(I know...I can't help it. My mind just works this way and the more I try to force it to be normal the worse it gets) because the real reason I'm even saying anything about this is because after waiting in a line for 6 minutes and ordering a standard cobb salad after the woman in front of me ordered something that sounded like a mean plan for Demi Moore's kids (e.g. chick peas, alfalfa, light, gluten free, fat free, soy vinagrette with wasabi peas and kale.. yadda yadda more bullshit) the ONLY thing I asked for was no bread. That's it. And so of course she puts the damn bread in the salad and I say, "I said..." and as soon as I start to speak, she takes the bread out, rolls her eyes and throws that sh*t across the room into the waste basket like she's Troy Aikman only she starts speaking Spanish really fast and the whole times she's just glaring at me... (She should apply for a job at the SSA Offfice...she'd fit right in) The whole thing, I thought, was rather dramatic... and you know it pisses me off because it's like the one thing she gets paid to do....the one f-ing thing....is to listen to what people want in their f-ing salad and I only asked for one thing. ONE THING. And somehow you get an attitude with me but not the chick that asked for like 10 special things? Okay getting worked up...don't want hives...calming down now... 

Despite that little incident...the salad was good... really good. 

PS: I know my parents think I should just bring leftovers or make my own lunch...and they would be right but seriously... I'm 29 years old, and the money I'm saving from quitting smoking... well... I think I should be allowed to buy an over priced salad if I want to...

PSS: Would have totally smoked 3 cigarettes after that happened if I were still smoking...but instead I walked past some construction workers...and that helped.

Help...

Broke out in hives this morning. Not good. Bad actually. It means I'm stressed out (or couldn't you tell...). The last time I was this stressed out was in 2nd grade when I found out I was going to have Mr. Keegan as my teacher... and my mother gave me a Benedryl and had to run me an oatmeal bath. (I know... the bath thing... what the hell is wrong with me!?") But seriously. It's 5:48 am. I've been up for an hour looking at myself thinking about how much I hate Benedryl and thinking... booze would probably work much better. (JOKING!!!!) Shit seriously, I'm too old for this. Hives? What am I,... 6? Anyway, I have to actually get ready for work. Sorry this post was kind of gross and uneventful but I've got two full days left of work at my current job and so I'm a little stressed and since I sure as hell am not going to wake up my mother for this, I had to do something... may as well blog (again... joking... sort of.... Turns out... not so funny at 5:53 am. I blame hives and lack of caffeine. Must make it to Doctor Starbucks...)

Good Morning and Good Manners

So I've been thinking about yesterday, at the Pancake House, pre-coffee freak out, and about how there was this table in front of me, with this couple who had two middle school/teenage kids... and I couldn't help but think this is just like a scene from Magnolia. The wife looked very... depressed. She looked like Frances Conroy in Six Feet Under... no one was saying a word, and the husband...He looked happy he was getting chocolate chip pancakes on a Sunday morning.

At some point, the husband reached for the syrup (again) and a dollar fell from his pocket onto the floor. I saw it, then looked at 3 other people sitting closer to him than I was...who saw it, and I waited for someone to do the right thing. They did nothing. They all glanced at the dollar on the floor, and went back to eating their pancakes... So I got up, walked over, picked it up and tried to hand it to the husband who was so out of it (I blame the chocolate chip pancakes) that he didn't even look up at me. He just grabbed the bill and put it under his glass of OJ.  Meanwhile, his wife (let's call her Ruth...), stared at me like I was some kind of alien and without taking her eyes off of me said, "Bill...Bill...that girl... she's trying to tell you something!" The daughter, who was wearing more eyeliner than I was (and I wear a lot of eyeliner) was looking rather amused by the entire situation, and kind of had this shit eating grin on her face that made me realize how uncomfortable I probably made people in high school when I used to wear that same exact shit eating grin on my face... and the son (who clearly takes after his father) glanced up at me once and then asked his dad to pass him the syrup. So I stood there awkwardly for point two seconds, and said, "okay, well enjoy breakfast." But the entire time I'm thinking, "well..hell I should have just kept the damn dollar..."

It made me think about manners... and this funny conversation I had when I was a sophomore in high school...

I should tell you first that I've gone to three high schools in my life...and this story happened while attending high school #2...an art school for talented assholes like me that were too arrogant to appreciate the fact that despite the shitty general education we were getting, the art classes were actually pretty good.

Anyway, I met this girl there...she was so cool in all the ways I wasn't. She wore black pea coats, her mother (who was divorced I believe) had been a prima ballerina for the NYC ballet and had graced the cover of Vogue in her hey. They lived in a row house that was filled with art books, and old vintage posters, and on weekends hung out with Robert Duvall at his ranch... and the girl, (we will call her Maggie), had a bedroom that made me feel like an infant.

For one thing, while all my friends and I had been collecting stickers and reading Seventeen, this chick was collecting vintage dresses... and reading ee cummings. She had a collection of dresses the Met would envy and she was particularly fond of dresses from the 20's and 30's.

Maggie used to smoke Marlboro Lights. Her brother had introduced her to cigarettes while he was fucking around in Paris for a year... and she had grown fond of the idea that smoking was a culture in and of itself. We went to the boardwalk once, by the torpedo factory, and got cheap Chinese food and sat out by the water, and she handed me a cigarette... I told her I really don't smoke... and she told me smoking was sexy and that the French do it all the time,...and well why wouldn't we want to imitate the French? After all they are tres chic and we are tres stupid for being culture less Americans.

I mean... this was the girl that gave me my first espresso which I turned into an Americano by accident because I couldn't figure out what the hell I was supposed to do with a shot of coffee...and couldn't fathom just drinking it as it was... so I added like 2 cups of milk and a shit load of sugar and pretended I thought the experience was so great... she thought it was hilarious..."First espresso?" She said...and I in turn felt like a royal asshole. But like any teenager, desperately trying to fit in and feel cool, I took the damn cigarette and smoked it. And when I was halfway finished, Maggie said:

Maggie: Just remember... smoking has it's own culture. There is such a thing as smoking etiquette.
Me: Like what do you mean?
Maggie: Like...when someone comes up to you and says, "Can I bum a cigarette?" You should always say yes. Even if it's your last one because... it's like a code. You do it once, and fortune will smile upon you one day, when you're in need of one... Plus Karma is a bitch.
Me: Uh... okay. (blowing smoke <---her not me)

At the time I remember thinking... "maybe when I'm 40, I'll get what the f**k she's talking about..." but I think what she was talking about...was manners... and it had little to do with smoking, and more to do with the fact that people are dicks. She just said it much more eloquently than I ever would. She also masked it with some "smoking culture" bullshit... and while I agree...you should share, I'm really actually quite bad at sharing. I hate sharing actually but for the record, was always generous with my cigarettes when I smoked... In fact, you'll be happy to know, that pack of cigarettes in the center console of my car... don't have them anymore because I gave them away... poor guy...old cigarettes are disgusting, but I did warn him they were probably skanky. He took them anyway...

Whatever. The bottom line is... I do believe in good manners, and giving people their money if they do in-fact drop it on the floor of a pancake house and are too busy wolfing down chocolate chip pancakes to be none the wiser... and even if I say I should have kept the dollar,... I wouldn't. My parents may have raised an ex-smoking a-hole but they didn't raise a fool...

Arbiter of Good Waste

I am officially an arbiter of good waste. The EPA would really hate me if they knew how much water I wasted this weekend...

Since I quit smoking, I've gotten in the habit of taking long baths when stressed and today I took two. I have to say though, in my defense... the second one definitely helped.

(Note to Mom: Don't be mad... I know you hate waste and you drive a hybrid but either I die of cancer and stress or I take a couple baths and some kids that haven't even been born yet have to worry about where they're gonna get water to make their Kool-Aid...but it's okay really because some science nerds at NASA found new solar systems and NASA ought to have their shit together by then so those kids will be fine...)

Now, because I'm so thoughtful these days I'm going to share with you a couple of deep thoughts from my bath time (a la My name is Simon and I like to do drawings):

1. Target is not good for couples. It puts unnecessary strain on any good and stable relationship and I don't know if it's the vast array of toiletry options or the 500 scented candles in isle 4 but whatever it is...it's an issue and is an even bigger issue when you leave pissed off and 5 people are standing outside smoking. Now please... I may be completely emotionally unstable but I promise you I didn't smoke and the 5 people that were standing outside smoking... did not make smoking look good... or sexy or even remotely appealing. They all looked pissed and I imagine most of the time when I was smoking I looked like them...only... slightly more attractive as I have no kids, don't wear Apple Bottom Jeans and I do not own anything with a Texas flag embroidered on it...I'm telling you though... I know the feeling they were having. Their spouses are in the Target buying a bunch of practical shit and being all...... practical and they're pissed they couldn't get the "Moonlight Walk" Glade Scented Candle on sale for $3.99... I get it okay? SO been there... but I think the lesson here is this: Listen to spouse, or BF,....don't buy fucking candle... buy lip gloss instead. A dollar cheaper and instant relief... (plus you know you have an unopened "Fresh Linen" scented candle at home...and no one can have enough lip balm...)

2. When the coffee shop runs out of iced coffee before 10 am, just stay home.  I know...it's ridiculous but true. This morning after I went to "The Original Pancake House" (not to be mistaken for IHOP) I went to Caribou where I normally get coffee because the coffee at the Pancake House is shit, and low and behold...they're out. I know... I almost pissed myself. So instead I got a tiny jelly bean sized dark chocolate teddy bear with a caramel center. It was delicious but did not make up for the fact that they ran out of coffee....at a coffee shop... at 10 in the morning. I mean what...did everyone in Bethesda quit smoking? I should have taken it as a sign to just go home, but well... I went to Target instead...


Sidenote: The Original Pancake House does one thing I hate... they put crayons in the plastic container that holds the Splenda and it's disgusting. This morning I asked the lady for Splenda that wasn't touching crayons and she handed me a packet of Splenda that had a picture of a dog with epilepsy drawn on it...I would never actually eat at a place that had crayons on the table but the egg white omlette there is like sex... I suppose it doesn't help that once I saw a kid eat a green crayon there...and instead of this boy's father taking the crayon out of his mouth, he handed him a yellow one...

Unbelievable

Unbelieveable day. Will explain tomorrow.

And I Thought the DMV Was Bad...

I have been to hell this morning, and it is so much worse than I thought.

AND... I got there in a cab where the entire time the cab driver is lecturing me about how if I spill coffee in his cab he's charging me an extra 75 cents. I shit you not.

I have learned two things this morning:

1. The star of Social Security Television (no seriously) is Patty Duke...
2. The SSA Office is SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE DMV!

Word of advice: NEVER and I do mean NEVER lose your Social Security Card. It's just not worth it. 

I know... you're picturing some DMV like place and it's just not. I arrived to the SSA Office 5 minutes before they opened but that was about 15 minutes too late because I'm waiting in a line OUTSIDE! (can you imagine?) and I'm standing there freezing and all of a sudden I smell cigarettes...and there is a man standing behind me smoking and blowing that sh*t in my hair and mumbling something about... oh who cares... He smelled like a rough night and for whatever reason he felt the need to stand a half an inch away from me...which as you can imagine I just loved.

When we got in the office we were given a nice little speech by a guy in a Cosby sweater about how all SSA employees are only there to help us (subtext: I hate my life and you would too if you had to work in this shit hole so don't expect me to be pleasant or helpful because I hate you as well) ... all I kept thinking was... couldn't they have picked another color other than green for the decor? It's depressing enough as it is... I felt like a sardine in an Altoids box...only not as fresh. And then I take my seat and of course this lady sits right next to me even though there are a billion empty chairs and she starts tapping me on the shoulder and so I take off my grey fur covered ear muffs and place them in my purse and then look at her and smile and say:

Me: Yes?
Her: Do you have a pen?
Me: Umm....
Her: I really need a pen.
Me: I think so... let me check.
Her: I need to fill out these papers and I just need a pen. Can you look for me?
Me: (riffling through purse) Okay can you just give me one sec... actually I'm sorry I don't have one.
Her: You don't? Oh... well....Do you think someone that works here would have a pen? I really need one.

Seriously? I get why the people that work there hate the people that come in...  So I'm sitting there looking in my purse for my phone and I happen to look up and there is a person standing at the window but not just any person...This person had on baggy khaki pants and jean bermuda shorts OVER the khaki pants. I can't even tell you... my throat got dry... not even the over priced caramel latte I was holding in my hand made me feel better... It was like an accident on the beltway...you want to keep moving but you can't.... you can't look away because you can't believe you just saw what you just saw...

I thought, well this is just like going to the freak show it can't possibly get any weirder... oh but then...I saw a poster that said, "When cousins are two of a kind, they file online." with a photo of Patty Duke and a woman that looked just like Patty Duke holding each other smiling. I was beginning to feel claustrophobic. Need to get out of here...I thought, so I check the flat screen to see how close I am to having my number called...one to go....Suddenly the numbers change to a movie...or so I thought... actually...it was "Social Security Television Staring Patty Duke!" (I'm serious. I could not make this shit up if you paid for my next coffee... and there will be a next coffee....) And in between the thrilling scenes of Patty and her Cousin and her cousin's husband, is a penguin that pops up and reminds you that the SSA has a website... and you don't have to come in here and subject yourself to this ridiculousness if you just log on... except that I've been to the f-ing website and it told me i had to come over here... so fucking penguin...not so smart.

So there you have it. I went to the SSA office so now you don't have to. You can thank me later...