Tornados Are So Annoying When You're Trying to Watch Reality TV

New day, new attitude and I'm sure you're thinking... "Who exactly are you trying to convince?" But I'm serious. I actually woke up and listened to AC/DC and it put me right back where I needed to be. Then I got ready for work, while my neighbors had sex and I listened to the weatherman tell me for the billionth time about the tornadoes. Which, I get that they are sweeping the nation and it's a terrible and awful thing, and really kind of freaky but the warnings in the middle of me trying to watch "The Voice" last night.... got a little old... Good show though... finally giving me something to test my DVR out with.

Anyway, I have a ton of shit to do today, and not a lot of time, but no fear.... I am in great spirits and looking forward to something good happening today :) Hope your day is awesome and tornado free.

Better Luck Next Year

Well,... unfortunately I did not get into the New York Marathon this year which is disappointing but, I'll live. Just means I'll apply next year, until I do get in... the goal was to run it by the time I am 35... so I've got time. (How's that for looking on the bright side).

And yes... I'm just a little sad about this.

Carly Simon's "Anticipation" Is Playing in the Background

I am totally that person standing at the elevator, pushing the button a million times because I actually believe it's going to make the elevator come faster. I have now been to the New York City Marathon website page about... well it's not important how many times I've been... I've been a lot okay? And it's killing me not knowing if I got in or not.

Is it wrong that I've actually had the thought that they do this shit on purpose... like they have some secret Darwinian plot to weed out the weak from the strong because they know that this whole anticipation process might actually kill someone. So hopefully I didn't quit smoking too late. KIDDING!!!

Anyway, I have to write a bio for myself now. (Second worse thing next to waiting to find out if you got in the marathon or not)...

PS: Whatever happens, I'll be fine... but I'll be even more finer (yup... I said more finer) if I got in :)

If You Get Through This One I'll Be Amazed!

So in light of the fact that I now have 15 followers, and 1515 hits on this thing... I have decided to honor my "followers" and this commitment to quitting smoking by listing the 15 most important things I've learned so far by way of quitting smoking. And I wanted to share them with you since this blog is about quitting and I have admittedly gotten a little off topic as of the last few weeks. So here goes:

15 Things I've Learned By Way of Quitting Smoking

1. I am stronger than I thought.  Habits are hard to break. Especially ones you derive so much pleasure from, but if even for a second, you felt like you needed to break a habit, then there is probably good reason for that. I had always had it in my mind that it was a choice. It wasn't a habit and it wasn't an addiction. It was a lifestyle, and it was something I enjoyed. Well... when I really listened to myself,... even when I would try to convince myself having one would be okay,... somehow I was able to stick with it, and I can be pretty damn convincing, so... I am definitely stronger than I gave myself credit for... because I have always (as with most people I'm sure) been my own worst enemy.

2. I can face things head on. Quitting has forced me to actually deal with difficult situations as opposed to run from them. When I would get upset, or frustrated, or angry, I would go blow off steam by smoking. I would use it as an out. I could literally run. I could say, "Well F*ck that. I'm going for a smoke and you can't stop me" and sure... I did that a lot. It wouldn't make me think... it wouldn't do anything but allow myself †o stew in my own pissed offness. It perpetuated a "F That" attitude. And in quitting, I no longer feel the need to run. I can sit and evaluate and figure things out.

3. I can rely on myself to get me through. I think #2 is a good segway to this point. I have learned how to rely on myself to work through things. I call my friends for advice a lot less, I vent out loud a lot less (although this blog has definitely had a huge part in that), and I have been able to talk myself through things which has in turn forced me to think for myself, instead of evaluate a handful of other people's opinions. And this one thing... this one ability to fend for myself, has perhaps made me feel more empowered than I have ever felt.

4. I am pretty good company. If you've ever smoked, (or owned a Blackberry), then you know that feeling, when you're alone, and you suddenly feel dumb just being....alone...so you either pull out a cigarette, or pull out your phone, and suddenly you feel less lonely.... well,...now that I don't smoke, and I really am not one to text,... I find myself a lot more comfortable just being. Like when I walk home. I can sort of just... walk and not be bothered that I don't have anything in my hand. Its a little weird still but... it's freeing as well and I don't feel lonely. I feel.... like I am more aware of everything around me. Including myself.

5. I can talk to people. I never really thought of myself as an extrovert. I have always hated going to parties where I don't know anyone and the thought of being at a restaurant by myself or anything like that,... has always in the past made me feel like an asshole. But now that I don't smoke, and I don't run outside at the first feeling of uncomfortableness, it has forced me to be a lot more outgoing. I also can't start a conversation with, "Gotta light?" Because let's be honest... that's too damn easy. Now I actually have to think of clever ins. Like, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" (KIDDING,... GEEZ I quit smoking not quit being sarcastic)

6. I have a really good/positive attitude. I'm not sure how this happened. I mean... I've always had a whole lot of attitude but now it's primarily good.... I swear I really don't know how this happened but I blame quitting on this one because there is no other possible way to explain this. I still get pissy and I still get upset but I do the whole lemons to lemonade thing a lot faster and a lot more frequently now.

7. I can inspire people. I have always been one to sort of chalk up my ability to inspire others by blaming my talent, as opposed to recognizing I may actually have something to offer others. Well, I can't tell you how many people have said that my blog inspired them, or that my quitting inspired them...and I am really starting to believe that I did and it's kind of awesome to think I may have inspired even one person.

8. I can be disciplined. Quitting smoking takes discipline. It's like any other "bad habit." or good habit for that matter. I never thought of myself as disciplined but I think the trick is that when I broke the habit of smoking... I replaced it with other more positive habits, and pretty soon, I fell out of the routine of smoking and into the routine of doing other things (like writing this blog).

9. I value time. The proverbial "they" say....Time is a precious thing to waste....If I think about how much time I spent smoking it's incredible. I timed myself once. If I was stressed I could smoke a cigarette in 7 minutes flat. If not...anywhere between 10 and 15 minutes. And then there's how much time I spent trying to hide it, and trying to figure out how I would be able to get cigarettes and if stores would be open or if restaurants would have smoking areas or if I would be in a group of smokers or non smokers...ridiculous. Now I have so much going on I can't even believe I found the time to do and think about all of that!

10. I do actually care about my life. I guess it's a simple thing... It's a simple concept to think about. I care about my life. The quality of it. The degree of care I put into the things that matter to me most. I think it's very easy to feel invincible and smoking is a rebutel to kinda giving a shit. But I do care/give a shit... and it's not about what others think, but it's more about what I think about my own life that's the important thing. 

11. I need support. As independent as I want to be, and feel sometimes... I fully recognize how important it is to get and surround myself with support. I have been shocked with how many people have sent me words of encouragement or positive thoughts as well as how many people have opened up to me about their own lives and struggles with smoking. It has helped me tremendously and I feel very privileged to have the level of support I've been given and as much as I'd like to credit myself with quitting, I have all of you to thank as well. I think it's made the experience of quitting a lot easier. Actually, I know it has.

12. Positivity is contagious. I know I talked about having a positive attitude earlier but this is bigger than that I think. Since I quit, I've been a lot happier and in being happier have met a lot of really positive people, and when you're around that... I think it's contagious. It's attractive and it has sort of brightened up my world.

13. There will always be something. So not to undermine the achievement of actually not smoking for 2.5 months, but there will always be something I need to work on. I love that I've been able to quit smoking cold turkey (and yes this will be a never ending thing I suppose) I just don't want to rest on my laurels. I actually think the challenge of this whole process has kept me feeling.... alive.

14. Listening to myself is a good thing. The day I decided to quit smoking I had a conversation with myself that went something like this:

Me: You should quit.

Me No shit.

Me: No seriously. Stop thinking about it and just do it. All you do is talk talk talk.

Me Fine.

Me Seriously.

Me I said find.

Me Are you seriously going to quit?

Me Yes. 

Me Fuck off. I don't believe you.

Me Don't care if you do or not.

And that day I picked a day to quit and then just... quit. So I think when I just shut up and actually listen to myself... I don't do so bad you know? Actually I should probably do that more often... 

15. It's the journey. I know. Totally corny, totally cliche and guess what... totally true. I'll always be "quitting" but if in 2.5 months I've never felt this good...it isn't because I just...quit smoking one day. The first two weeks were f-ing hell. It's that in the past 2.5 months, I feel like a different person and my life has changed and my decision to quit was a part of it,... and every day will be different and trust me I know I sound like a spokesperson for AA or something but I appreciate this entire experience. So... put that in your pipe.

I hope you don't want to vomit now that you've read this but... just so you know, this took a long ass time for me to write this because I think if you're going to tell people what you learned, you ought to do your best to a. be honest and b. not make  yourself look  like a total asshole :)

L.

PS: Look for me tomorrow when I announce on this thing wether or not I got into the NYC marathon!

Case of the Mondays

It's Monday and I've been up since 3:30. I woke up to an infomercial for some contraption that supposedly makes you lose 30 pounds in 10 days. It was really disturbing because it involved some guy who looked like he was seconds away from roid rage, and he was straddling something that looked like a pogo stick. I quickly flipped to music videos and happened upon "F***ing Perfect" by Pink, which I actually really like which is probably not too shocking... Three and a half hours later, I left for work. Don't even ask me what I was doing because I have no idea... all I know is I'm at work and it definitely feels like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed....

Oh the Build Up

So last night I was sitting in bed, minding my own business, when my phone pinged. It was an email from the New York City Road Runners Club, alerting me to the fact that next week, (actually, Wednesday at Noon to be exact), they will be announcing who got into the New York City Marathon (of which I applied to last year). In case you didn't know, the NYC Marathon is a lottery. They have so many applications every year that you can't just sign up and get in...you have to go through this unless you're aiming for the Olympics, or you've been denied three times and then you automatically get in...

For those of you that know me, I have only ever run half marathons. (Marine Corps 2010, and Baltimore Half) I've never even run a 5K... but if I get in, this will be the first race, and the first training program I'm on, where I didn't have cigarettes. This is a very big deal. I know you're thinking....what on earth is she talking about? Isn't that a good thing? And yes, of course it is...but you have to understand that training is very much about the habit of running for me. Do I love to run...yes. BUT only when training. Otherwise I feel like I'm not working towards anything.

Smoking was as much a part of my training as the actual running. On the rare occasion I'd get up for early morning runs, I would hop in my car, stash 3 cigarettes in my running gear and head out to the track. On the way there I would smoke one, and then smoke the second once I had parked the car, and then I'd save the third for after I had finished my milage. On evening runs, especially when I hit the trail, I'd just keep the pack in my car, and on the drive in and on the drive out, I would chain smoke the entire time. It was as if I believed I couldn't run without smoking first... it would...in a sense...boost my confidence. Looking back it was so f-ing stupid I can't get over it but that was what I did. And when I did stop smoking for three months, I felt like I was dying on my runs. I kept coughing and I felt like I couldn't breathe... it was really very difficult. So this time around, it will be interesting to see how my body reacts to not having the nicotine... and not having the actual physical cigarettes to rely on to get me through the training.

My dad always used to tell me, "Lindsay... the hardest part is starting." And he was right. Smoking allowed me to procrastinate. I found myself saying, "I will start this run as soon as I'm done with this cigarette." And now I will not have that. I will only have me. So far it hasn't been so bad, but.... then again, I haven't had a 26.2 mile race either :)

If I don't get in, and that's always a huge possibility,... I will look for another race. Another half. I think my first full marathon needs to be in New York.... but I'm glad I applied because the whole thing has me excited about running again. (It's way too easy to forget about it)

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed I get in, and I'll let you know as soon as I do whether its NYC or someplace else :)

PS: TGIF!

AHHHHHHHHNunciate

So this morning I went to a different Starbucks. I switched up because the last time I went to the one across the street from my job (which is my usual place), the lady at the register said, "Oh. You again. You must have nothing to do all day." I replied, "Actually I have plenty to do, I just need coffee to do it." I happened to be with co-workers who were just appalled at this, and I didn't even realize how rude her comment was until about 5 minutes after it happened but the more I thought about it, the more ticked off I became, and so this morning I decided to boycott, and so I went to a different Starbucks. I hate doing this by the way because I enjoy the perks of being a regular. I like the fact that the woman actually making my coffee at my regular place, doesn't have to ask me what I want, it's already ready by the time I get up to the register which means I never have to actually wait. But this morning, I had to wait (and we all know how much I love waiting). I also had to repeat myself several times, and I just don't get how I ask for a large iced coffee and the person ahead of me asks for some insane complicated order that involves twenty more steps, and the guy understands her perfectly even though she's Spanish and he's African! I mean... really? So I have to go through, "Wait what did you say?" over and over again. So I had to speak really slowly and annunciate which to me, makes me not only sound like I'm one of those bitchy customers, but I'm sure everyone in line was just thinking, "Wow just because he's African doesn't mean he's retarded!" And that is SO NOT what was going on. I don't know how I get in these situations but somehow... I do.

Anyway, same thing happens again, an hour later when some coworkers asked if I wanted to go grab breakfast. I brought lunch and forgot to eat breakfast, so I went, and of course the exact same thing happens.

Me: Can I get the American Scramble?
Cashier: Do you want the American? Or the Southwestern? Or the Pepper Scramble?
Me: American.
Cashier: So scrambled?
Me: Yes.
Cashier: American though right?
Me: Yes
Cashier: Potatoes?
Me: No. Scrambled Eggs. American. Nothing else. To go.
Cashier: Okay to stay or to go?

I sh*t you not. I don't know if it's me or what it is....but I feel like I must not annunciate or I don't say things in the right order or something. I must not speak clearly and I don't understand what I can be doing differently so that A. I don't sound like I'm patronizing them, and B. So that I don't have to repeat myself a bazillion times. If you have any suggestions please let me know.  In the mean time, I'm sticking to Kashi breakfast bars from Safeway. (The strawberry ones are amazing)