I have been to hell this morning, and it is so much worse than I thought.
AND... I got there in a cab where the entire time the cab driver is lecturing me about how if I spill coffee in his cab he's charging me an extra 75 cents. I shit you not.
I have learned two things this morning:
1. The star of Social Security Television (no seriously) is Patty Duke...
2. The SSA Office is SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE DMV!
Word of advice: NEVER and I do mean NEVER lose your Social Security Card. It's just not worth it.
I know... you're picturing some DMV like place and it's just not. I arrived to the SSA Office 5 minutes before they opened but that was about 15 minutes too late because I'm waiting in a line OUTSIDE! (can you imagine?) and I'm standing there freezing and all of a sudden I smell cigarettes...and there is a man standing behind me smoking and blowing that sh*t in my hair and mumbling something about... oh who cares... He smelled like a rough night and for whatever reason he felt the need to stand a half an inch away from me...which as you can imagine I just loved.
When we got in the office we were given a nice little speech by a guy in a Cosby sweater about how all SSA employees are only there to help us (subtext: I hate my life and you would too if you had to work in this shit hole so don't expect me to be pleasant or helpful because I hate you as well) ... all I kept thinking was... couldn't they have picked another color other than green for the decor? It's depressing enough as it is... I felt like a sardine in an Altoids box...only not as fresh. And then I take my seat and of course this lady sits right next to me even though there are a billion empty chairs and she starts tapping me on the shoulder and so I take off my grey fur covered ear muffs and place them in my purse and then look at her and smile and say:
Her: Do you have a pen?
Her: I really need a pen.
Me: I think so... let me check.
Her: I need to fill out these papers and I just need a pen. Can you look for me?
Me: (riffling through purse) Okay can you just give me one sec... actually I'm sorry I don't have one.
Her: You don't? Oh... well....Do you think someone that works here would have a pen? I really need one.
Seriously? I get why the people that work there hate the people that come in... So I'm sitting there looking in my purse for my phone and I happen to look up and there is a person standing at the window but not just any person...This person had on baggy khaki pants and jean bermuda shorts OVER the khaki pants. I can't even tell you... my throat got dry... not even the over priced caramel latte I was holding in my hand made me feel better... It was like an accident on the beltway...you want to keep moving but you can't.... you can't look away because you can't believe you just saw what you just saw...
I thought, well this is just like going to the freak show it can't possibly get any weirder... oh but then...I saw a poster that said, "When cousins are two of a kind, they file online." with a photo of Patty Duke and a woman that looked just like Patty Duke holding each other smiling. I was beginning to feel claustrophobic. Need to get out of here...I thought, so I check the flat screen to see how close I am to having my number called...one to go....Suddenly the numbers change to a movie...or so I thought... actually...it was "Social Security Television Staring Patty Duke!" (I'm serious. I could not make this shit up if you paid for my next coffee... and there will be a next coffee....) And in between the thrilling scenes of Patty and her Cousin and her cousin's husband, is a penguin that pops up and reminds you that the SSA has a website... and you don't have to come in here and subject yourself to this ridiculousness if you just log on... except that I've been to the f-ing website and it told me i had to come over here... so fucking penguin...not so smart.
So there you have it. I went to the SSA office so now you don't have to. You can thank me later...