Sunday, March 6, 2011

Arbiter of Good Waste

I am officially an arbiter of good waste. The EPA would really hate me if they knew how much water I wasted this weekend...

Since I quit smoking, I've gotten in the habit of taking long baths when stressed and today I took two. I have to say though, in my defense... the second one definitely helped.

(Note to Mom: Don't be mad... I know you hate waste and you drive a hybrid but either I die of cancer and stress or I take a couple baths and some kids that haven't even been born yet have to worry about where they're gonna get water to make their Kool-Aid...but it's okay really because some science nerds at NASA found new solar systems and NASA ought to have their shit together by then so those kids will be fine...)

Now, because I'm so thoughtful these days I'm going to share with you a couple of deep thoughts from my bath time (a la My name is Simon and I like to do drawings):

1. Target is not good for couples. It puts unnecessary strain on any good and stable relationship and I don't know if it's the vast array of toiletry options or the 500 scented candles in isle 4 but whatever it's an issue and is an even bigger issue when you leave pissed off and 5 people are standing outside smoking. Now please... I may be completely emotionally unstable but I promise you I didn't smoke and the 5 people that were standing outside smoking... did not make smoking look good... or sexy or even remotely appealing. They all looked pissed and I imagine most of the time when I was smoking I looked like them...only... slightly more attractive as I have no kids, don't wear Apple Bottom Jeans and I do not own anything with a Texas flag embroidered on it...I'm telling you though... I know the feeling they were having. Their spouses are in the Target buying a bunch of practical shit and being all...... practical and they're pissed they couldn't get the "Moonlight Walk" Glade Scented Candle on sale for $3.99... I get it okay? SO been there... but I think the lesson here is this: Listen to spouse, or BF,....don't buy fucking candle... buy lip gloss instead. A dollar cheaper and instant relief... (plus you know you have an unopened "Fresh Linen" scented candle at home...and no one can have enough lip balm...)

2. When the coffee shop runs out of iced coffee before 10 am, just stay home.  I's ridiculous but true. This morning after I went to "The Original Pancake House" (not to be mistaken for IHOP) I went to Caribou where I normally get coffee because the coffee at the Pancake House is shit, and low and behold...they're out. I know... I almost pissed myself. So instead I got a tiny jelly bean sized dark chocolate teddy bear with a caramel center. It was delicious but did not make up for the fact that they ran out of a coffee shop... at 10 in the morning. I mean what...did everyone in Bethesda quit smoking? I should have taken it as a sign to just go home, but well... I went to Target instead...

Sidenote: The Original Pancake House does one thing I hate... they put crayons in the plastic container that holds the Splenda and it's disgusting. This morning I asked the lady for Splenda that wasn't touching crayons and she handed me a packet of Splenda that had a picture of a dog with epilepsy drawn on it...I would never actually eat at a place that had crayons on the table but the egg white omlette there is like sex... I suppose it doesn't help that once I saw a kid eat a green crayon there...and instead of this boy's father taking the crayon out of his mouth, he handed him a yellow one...

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