Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Its Just Me

Sometimes I think we go through things in life that test us in ways that completely break us, destroy us, and in some ways kill us because if we don't, we lose ourselves.

I have always known what I wanted to do in life. I've been told that's rare because most people don't know,  but whatever it is, I just always have. When I was old enough to talk, I wanted to be the lady that rode on the elephants at the circus. After that I wanted to be an Anchor Woman (just like Connie Chung), and then after that I wanted to be... an Art Director.... And that was the one that stuck. So I went to one of the best art schools in the country, graduated with a Communications Design degree, and started on the path towards that goal.

On Monday, that dream became a reality. It's the one thing that's happened in my life that I feel like I got on my own. Yes, people helped me get interviews, and connections, and have expanded my network, (and I'm so grateful to all of them) but I got the job and I can't tell you how happy I am for myself and at the same time it's been very hard to feel it and that would be because I broke it off with my boyfriend of almost 9 years. It's been the most painful thing I've ever done, and I did this after my first day of my new job. Words can't express how difficult it still is but also, how much I needed to do it. I've avoided writing this because, as my closest friends and family will tell you, I can't keep my mouth shut, but it's who I am and I just can't apologize anymore for that right now. It all hurts and writing actually helps so... bare with me.

When you've been with someone that long, you become an establishment. People start talking about what your kids are going to look like, and asking you questions like "When are you getting married?" And pretty soon people don't say your name without his, you become peanut butter and jelly. And at the end of the day, it's not about that. I'm not going to get into details about it but I will tell you that I've broken out into hives 3 times now... and I'm home sick with either strep or mono (mono test results come in this morning... please cross your fingers because I think I'll jump if it's mono). I've completely broken down mentally and physically but today,...even though my veins are filled with chicken broth and ginger ale, I'm starting to feel a little bit better (mentally). Physically I still feel like shit.

So lets recap:
• I got my dream job
• I ended an 8+ year relationship
• I have strep or mono (and have already had hives thrice)
• oh and I'm moving out of my parents basement. Finally. Getting my own place, attempting youthful independence... see how well I do.
• And last but certainly not least.... I've quit smoking (no I haven't had a cigarette and yes I get that it's very hard to believe considering the shit that's been going on but I honestly, haven't even had much time to think about smoking)

The truth is, I don't want to be one of those women who pity's herself or her life. I don't want to regret anything, and so far I haven't. I don't regret anything. I want to live without having lost myself, and what I want, and maybe people don't get it, or don't understand, but aside from smoking, and cursing,... apologizing is my third worst habit, and let's just say I just can't anymore. I can't apologize for what I want, or who I am, or my choices because they're mine.

If you're reading this, thank you. I hope you know how much it means to me and don't give up on me... because I'm not.

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