Wednesday, February 9, 2011

All Over the Place

A few things. I don't have much time. I'm early but it's 7:45 and the way my co-workers have been showing up lately, you'd think Mr. Omelette was coming to town. 

Anyway, this morning was so bizarre. My first alarm went off, alerting me that soon it would be time for me to turn off my second alarm. But when it went off, so did my email alert, and for whatever reason, in trying to shut my phone up, I pressed something and a Groupon window appeared. It said "Is emotional strength the same as weakness? Press Here." So I did (like an asshole) and this is what it said:

There are many types of strength, with physical strength being just one kind—the one kind that matters. There is also emotional strength, aka weakness. Emotional strength is only appreciated in persons who already possess physical strength, such as football players who cry after a victory (never a loss). Intellectual strength is a fancy, smart-person word that smart people use to describe being smart. Intellectual strength is found only in persons whose feeble musculatures and disappreciation for physical conditioning makes physical strength unlikely. Finally, there is the strength of one's convictions, which refers to the length of one's prison term. In prison, physical strength is particularly important. Thus, emotional strength is particularly invaluable, invaluable in this case meaning just what it sounds like and the exact opposite of what it actually means. To determine if you yourself possess physical strength, go right now and lift the heaviest object in your house. If you don't already know what that object is, then you are not physically strong.
Strange considering that last night I wrote about weakness and I had this feeling like this crazy Asian guy at the gym was giving me weird looks. It's settled. He was stealing my thoughts. An intellectual property thief (no, not that kind of intellectual property thief mom...the kind that steals your thoughts. I just said that.)
Once I realized this, I got out of bed, and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth. As soon as I got to the sink, my f-ing alarm went off again! And as I'm walking back to my phone, another alarm goes off. And to put this all in perspective, for whatever reason, each alarm was different. One sounded like ducks, the other sounded like a radio active emergency "get the hell outta the building" alert. The third sounded like a harp played by Jesus smoking a cigarette. When I had finally shut everything down, I attempted to brush my teeth again, and managed to avoid squirting Neutregona on my toothbrush by about 1 millimeter. Seriously? What the hell is going on?
Anyway, on the way to work I was behind one of those bread truck mini-SUV type cars that was going about 15 miles an hour down a 30mph street, which would be fine if he wasn't blocking both lanes. I stared at my gum in the middle console candy dish/cigarette lighter part and then remembered the pack was emptied on the floor a couple of days ago. C'est la vie.

PS: Please come back later after I've had at least one cup of coffee...and I'll tell you about Svetlana and the Lotus.

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