Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Ruby Tuesday

It's Tuesday morning, and it's 7:34 am, and I'm in my office, and I'm in a terrible mood I just can't seem to shake. This lady on the forum site sent me an email telling me that after 2-3 weeks of not smoking, the withdraw symptoms become completely emotional, and not physical anymore. Oh this should be good. Reeeeeeeally good.

I have had so much to think about these last few days, and I've done my thinking without a cigarette, but I can't tell you how many times I thought about it and I can't tell you how shocked I am that I didn't.

Truth: I've had 7 or 8 cigarettes sitting in a box in the middle console of my car this entire time. I had meant to throw them away the day before I quit, but then I thought...nope. I'm going to keep this 6 dollars worth of cigarettes to see if I can really do this.

To know that something you want so badly is right there, and all you have to do is reach in...and take it... well that's easy right? Well...I've never taken the easy way. I've always done things the hard way. Ask my parents, my boyfriend, my brother, whatever. Ask ANYONE. I guess the road less travelled to me, is the one that's more fun. I'm a serious pill, I'm selfish and most days I do what I want, but this quitting thing is about so much more than me. I mean, sure it's about getting healthier and you know, not being so dependent on a substance but for me it's more about not disappointing people in my life and there are so many people that would be really disappointed if I kept going or wasn't able to kick the habit. And because I'm a caring asshole, I'm willing to hand in my cool card and do this for real.

(*sigh.... )

Shit. I must be going through that f-ing emotional stage that lady was talking about. God this sucks!

I'm sure you're thinking, "She had to have had one of those fucking cigarettes...." but I haven't smoked a single one since I quit. Not one. I haven't even opened the console. And the reason is because there are more people that think I can't do this, than there are that know I can and actually want me to, and quitting is the biggest fuck you I can think of to all the people that doubt me and you know me... eventually I come around,.... and put on a show.

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