Thursday, February 10, 2011

Birds of a Feather Shat on My Car

First let me start off by telling you that I'm at work typing this in a down coat and earmuffs because I could not wait to tell you all about what just happened to me. It's probably much more boring to be reading about it than living it, but's worth sharing...

I have the luxury of having a parking space at work that has caused all sorts of dramas as we are located in a very, very trendy part of the city. That being said, one of the dramas is the Bird Lady. No...not the ghost of Lady Bird,...that would actually be COOL. What I'm talking about is a phantom bird watcher bitch, who I'm pretty sure lives in one of the houses next to our office building, looks like the crypt keeper and gives poison apples to children on Halloween. She's an early riser and used to put birdseed on the generator which lives in front of my space. Now she just throws it everywhere... It remains to be seen, whether or not she actually likes the birds, or if she's trying to cause an obesity epidemic amongst the chickadee population. I'm guessing the later. We have posted signs and more signs and signs laminated in plastic saying, "BIRDSEED IS PROHIBITED ON THIS PROPERTY." Which hasn't helped, and I'm almost positive has done nothing more than exasperated the problem because now I'm really starting to notice.

Example: Last month I got my car worked on. It was not a cheap process, but the dealership cut me a first class deal on a detail and I accepted. Like most things, I figured, if I'm going to spend the money, I might as well get everything I possibly can with it. So I did. The entire process took 3 days, and when my car returned, I was slightly worried that I wouldn't be able to accept it. The loaner I had received for my time away was a gorgeous, black sporty Benz, and I had serious anxiety issues about giving it back. When the day came, however, to pick up my car, I must say, it was like seeing it for the first time. I was so excited. It didn't smell like smoke, the leather looked brand new, and the outside was so shiny it looked like I had purchased it that day. I had made arrangements to pick up my car early in the morning so that I would still be able to make it into work on time. So, when I pulled into my parking space, I was in a bit of a daze.

The next morning I almost had heart failure. My entire car had a nice 24 hour coating of prime bird shit giving it a lovely dull patena. My car looked like a fucking Cheetah actually.... with grey spots. It was not a good look and I was horrified. When I got to work that morning, I seriously thought about taking bleach to the birdseed. But I didn't and I'll be honest...I didn't because I knew my Grandmother would be horrified if I did. So I didn't. I just fantasized about it, smoked some cigarettes, and put them out ontop of the generator, mixing the butts well with the birdseed. I admit it. It was juvenille, but I was pissed. I shouldn't have taken it out on the birds, but you haven't seen these birds...they all look pregnant with bird triplets. It's disgusting. Maybe I'm doing them a favor, you know.... I'm like the new (oh what's his name... weeding out the fittest... Finch man...come on...too early to be DARWIN! YEAH! That's it...)

Anyway, so this little anecdote brings me to today. I came into work, exhausted and having already cursed out one bad driving suburbanite, so my mood was awesome. When I parked, I looked up to see about 32 Chickadees staring at me from a fence ( front of my car). So I sat there...wondering...where the hell is the birdseed? And as I reached for my door to open it, the birds dove into my windshield, and pulled up just in time so as not to hit my windshield. I almost pissed myself.  I felt like I was in a Hitchcock movie. So I turned around and noticed the birdseed had magically appeared right behind my car! By the time I turned around, the birds had flown back to the front of my car, and perched themselves on the fence. And then they dove again... and again, and again....5 more times actually as I sat there paralyzed...and then I just couldn't take it. It was scary. I hate those birds. I hate the bird lady, and if I come outside tomorrow when it's light out, and my car looks like a Cheetah....I'll be pissed again.

To Be Continued...

PS: What does this have to do with quitting smoking? It's making it harder.

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