I know this blog has been pretty light hearted in nature and to be honest, the reason I really wanted to start this was to have a frank conversation about what it is honestly like to try and quit doing something that you may not actually hate. I wanted to do it in a way that was me... sarcastic, and honest. Truth is...It's really hard.
At this very moment it sucks because it would appear I'm having a true addict's breakdown. It's difficult when people only understand one side of the argument... Don't smoke because it's bad for you, or smoking causes wrinkles, cigarettes are bad for your skin and your teeth, and your lungs and your heart and you know...it becomes a laundry list of facts most smokers know by heart. A list that is supposed to scare you or make you feel guilty or perhaps worst of all...feel stupid. But what people don't understand is that those of us who have smoked for awhile,... enjoyed it and there is one reason the lot of us quit and that's because we don't want to go through the pain of cancer or of disappointing and making life difficult for those around us. The ironic thing is... that is a big reason why I enjoyed smoking to begin with. It was like my F.U. to all the things I couldn't stand and despite what others thought about it, or about me...I somehow felt slightly empowered by the idea that no matter what...it was my choice and that if it came down to it....I would live with the consequences whatever they may be. Selfish? Yes. Of course. Stupid? Maybe. But a choice that was mine? Definitely.
What friends, and forums and others don't ever talk about is what it's like to actually miss it. Most of the articles and forums and blogs talk about what you gain from quitting, and while of course that's important and good... I'm going to tell you what I miss:
1. When you are a smoker, there is absolutely no such thing as waiting because waiting has been replaced with smoking....
2. Smoking in the car... and flicking my cigarette out the window at the car that just cut me off. 3. Smoking after a meal.... who needs dessert? Smoking is sugar-free and low in calories.
4. Smoking while drinking coffee. Something about the two combined is like bonnie and clyde...a dangerously hot combo.
5. Watching a movie where everyone is smoking and then going outside and lighting up. If you don't get this one, then you just don't get it.
6. The people you meet. I'm not talking about mooches. I'm talking about other smokers...I've met some seriously interesting and intelligent and extremely cool people because of smoking.
7. (and I did touch upon this earlier...) NOT getting approached by kids with clipboards and a cause.
8. Having it be a way out of awkward conversations, blind dates, uncomfortable situations, and stressful moments.
9. The fact that it gives you an excuse to leave your desk and stop staring at a computer screen.
10. The smell. Yup. I f-ing said it. The smell which is almost completely gone from my car but I always felt like it was warm... inviting even.
It's important for me to think about these things and not just dismiss them... because to deny the very fact that I enjoy(ed) smoking...is a lie. I loved smoking I just probably love those around me and the idea of dying without a tube down my throat...a little more. And that ain't a lie.