There Are No Words...

The last time I was this upset was when my Grandmother passed away. It was two years ago, and it was right around my birthday. That same weekend, our dog was put down, and I was recovering from the flu. It was a banner birthday year for sure, and yet somehow a higher power has been able to rival that absolutely heartbreaking episode with one that substitutes sadness with anger.

I spent the entire day getting ready for my birthday party. I bought a dress, and a fancy bracelet, and my makeup and hair were done to perfection. I thought, finally nothing went wrong. Finally I can be happy and have fun on my birthday.

The arrangements had been made by my two best friends in the entire world. There would be a fancy dinner at a trendy restaurant, and then drinks and dancing at a fun and fabulous bar. All my closest friends would be there, and I would have a beautiful birthday cake from the trendiest bakery in town care of my best friend. It was going to be simple and perfect and festive and wonderful.

I should preface this post by telling you that I have literally not had a birthday party in 4 years now. Last year the Snowpocolypse cancelled my birthday. The year before that, my Grandmother died in a terrible, sudden and absolutely heartbreaking way, and the year before that I had the worst strep throat and fever I've ever had. This year, one of my best and most adored friends, someone I absolutely love with all of my heart, was brutally stabbed and pistol whipped and there are no words to describe the absolute sadness and anger I am going through on his behalf. He's survived but I am heartbroken, and I feel nothing but hatred and anger for the two people that did this to him. I am so sick with sorrow and regret for his suffering and his family's suffering that I am beside myself.

This blog is about the difficulty I've had with quitting smoking and I promise you that it has helped me, so if you're wondering why I'm writing this now, it is because I need all the help I can get. I need to tell someone, if even it is in vain, how angry I am because if I don't, I will take an endless walk around the neighborhood just me and my filthy habit.