Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Working It Out

It's 11:15pm and I just got home from the gym. I ran three miles and would have run longer but even I know when to quit... The gym I go to is big and spacious with a pool which I loved the idea of but haven't actually been in. For one thing the "lifeguard" looks like she'd be more capable of drowning you than saving you and she never looks up from her miniature bible that she reads [religiously] in her life chair. I said hi to her today and she grunted at me. Anyway,...I'm getting off topic.

The last time I went to this particular gym was when I was training for the half marathon I ran last year. It was very cold outside, and I was running late (so to speak) so what do I do? I call my friend to tell her how cold it is and use that time to smoke a cigarette which, by the end of our conversation had turned into 4 cigarettes.  By the time I actually got IN the gym, I had 40 minutes before closing, so I ran 5 or 6 miles, and called it a night,...frustrated and disappointed that I had let the fact that I was running late, screw up my running schedule.

I bring this up because I was thinking a lot today about what it means to have a weakness. I'm not talking about a smoking weakness...although clearly if that wasn't an issue for me I wouldn't have a blog. I was thinking more about mental weakness. There were so many times I felt like I couldn't get through something and instead of thinking about it, and trying to understand what it was that I was having a hard time with, I'd just be like "f- it. A cigarette will help clear my mind." But it almost never worked out that way. It either clammed me up and made me more evasive, or it turned me into a brazen asshole willing to say anything with little to no remorse. In short, it made me angry and I'm not sure if it was the nicotine or the insecurity that did me in. Survey says it was probably a combo deal. 2 for the price of one.

It's not the same when you replace those instances with gum. In fact, the gum is really starting to wear on me, and my teeth. Not having a cigarette is like losing a close friend and I'm a girl, so that happens a lot. Nevertheless it doesn't make it easy. I've been less angry lately, (believe it or not) and more emotional, which is just the worst. I hate feeling like this. I'd rather be angry, than emotional. It's easier, and it makes you harder to read.

Now that it's almost midnight and I've had some down time to zone out, I am feeling a little stronger. A little more ready to deal with things,... and I'm hoping that if I can just get through tomorrow, I'll be a better person for it. If not, well at least my hair smells good.

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